As I mentioned before, I am convinced that there are ballet mom archetypes. In my last posting, You Are So Lucky You Have a Boy. I mentioned the Boy Ballet Mom. Today, I wanted to introduce Mother Superior.
You can identify Mother Superior in her environment by her smug attitude concerning her child. It is a given (in her mind) that her child will be the star of the level. Mother Superior believes that her darling should have the best roles, the bulk of the teacher's attention, and that the traditional rules concerning such things as pointe work and level placement simply do not apply for the child of Mother Superior.
Other talented children, who may be extended special privileges because they too are talented, are seen as threats to Mother Superior. She will stop at nothing to ensure that her child is the most privileged one in the studio. On the surface, this may not seem like a problem. After all, she is only jeopardizing her own child's training with her unrelenting demands and expectations. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Because Mother Superior is so vocal (often in a passive aggressive way), she can jeopardize other children's opportunities.
Let me give you an example...in our studio, we have a rule of thumb that children are not put on pointe until the age 11. However, we have a child who is age 10, she is strong, has regular attendance and looks like she is 16. I suspect that if the teacher were able to make decisions on candidates for pointe work solely based on an individual basis, that she would make an exception to her rule that students be 11. However, because Mother Superior has a tendency to stir up trouble when she senses a slight to her child this 10 year old will have to wait as Mother Superior's child is a tiny 10.
Another common symptom of "Mother Superioritis" is offering unsolicited assessments of your child's abilities. Mother Superior will not hesitate to "lovingly" put down your child and suggest that they are perhaps not strong enough to have the same privileges that her child has. If she does extend a compliment, it is generally in tandem with her child. Seeing your child succeed has been known to cause a massive flare-up of this terrible condition for which there is no inoculation.
Some friends of mine encountered the wrath of Mother Superior when it came to their young daughter who was accelerated beyond the normal levels. Mother Superior had a daughter who was 17 and was preparing for what Mother Superior hoped would be a professional career. Unfortunately, while very talented at an early age, Mother Superior's daughter had suffered the wrath of Mother Nature and a plague of hormonal changes. After puberty, the young woman was plump and had lost a lot of the facility she had once possessed.
Mother Superior's daughter had grown up landing the plum roles and it was a foregone conclusion that she would be Sugar Plum Fairy in the upcoming production of The Nutcracker. However, this exceptional 14 year old arrived and blew away the Artistic Director. She was not only technically gifted but she was also aesthetically more pleasing. Additionally, as a thin 14 year old, it was much easier for the Cavalier to partner her than the older heavier young lady. So, roles went up and Mother Superior saw the casting. She EXPLODED and began a course of destruction that may have rivaled Sherman's March to the Sea.
Nobody was safe from her wrath, they were either forced to listen incessantly about THE betrayal or she was aggressively sabotaging the younger girl by spreading rumors about her and her family. It was horrible. It was sad and did some damage to the young 14 year old who found it difficult to comprehend how people could be so cruel. Unfortunately, for the 14 year old, it took a while for the other mothers to realize what was going on. Initially, they believed the stories and lies this woman fabricated. But, as it normally does, the truth won out.
The challenge with Mother Superior is, she is a competitive person. She sees everything as a race and that there can be only one winner. She does not understand that there is enough room in the dance world for all talent. She prods and pushes her own child, she will not hesitate to challenge the teacher on her child's placement and she forgets her place with administration and other parents. She perches herself and her child above others and asserts that her child is the standard. Perhaps, the biggest problem, because her child is talented, she is involved; and she is generally likable--so, she can get in the head of the most secure of mothers and plant ideas that spur jealousy, hurt and resentment. The other mothers will then see favoritism where there is none and believe that the studio shares Mother Superior's opinions about who does and does not have "it." The reality is...the studio knows that many students can have "it" and that "it" can take a while to emerge. They do not tell students or parents that their child is the next Tiler Peck, Gillian Murphy or Maria Koetchekova, but this mother will claim that they did. It makes it hard for teachers to sing the praises of Mother Superior's child, because she will inevitably expect something in addition, a bigger role, a new level placement, private lessons, you name it...they are entitled.
The Studio World can be a jungle. There is all sorts of wildlife out there. The trick is to learn how to identify the various species of Ballet Mom, know if they are poisonous or not and navigate safely through to your destination. It is a tricky thing to do, but it can be done. If you listen closely, you can identify the call of each archetype, "The Boy Ballet Mom", "Mother Superior", "Mama Bear", "Miss Clueless", "The Social Climber", "The Ballet Dad","The Pleaser", "The Penny Pincher", "The Super Volunteer" "Everybody's Best Friend" "Mrs. Not Good Enough", "Miss Money Bags" and the "Is This Over Yet?" The truth is for most of us, a little bit of each archetype exists in us. The challenging part is keeping these personalities calm and in check so that we are able to be a voice of reason for our children and teach them how to keep perspective as they navigate this tough world.
Showing posts with label Ballet Mom Archetypes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ballet Mom Archetypes. Show all posts
Sunday, November 13, 2011
You Are So Lucky You Have A Boy!
Mothers of boys who dance know this statement all too well. I wonder if they all feel the same pain. Having a boy who chooses to dance ballet is no picnic in the park, yet most people I encounter assume that it is. People often assume that if a boy can point his foot he will be taking the stages of The Met; that choirs of angels will sing, that the seas will part and the male dancer can have his pick of whatever he desires in the dance world. I don't honestly think that people believe this when they pause for a moment to think, but yet to Moms of Boys, it seems like everybody thinks this way.
It is a hard road taken to be a boy who dances. If you are straight, you must defend your sexuality, if you are gay, you are "outed" perhaps before you are ready. People make assumptions about you based on your chosen passion. We have friends that are often surprised that my son is a car junkie, and when he mentions his girlfriend, you often hear an audible sigh of relief. My father, and father-in-law have never watched my son dance. In fact, I have taken home Nutcracker videos and they will excuse themselves from the room (my daughter is in it as well). It hurts. I don't even think they realize that they are being rude and that they are sending a very harsh message to both my son and me, but they are. Our "enlightened and cultured" friends say subtle things like, "Well, good for him for knowing who he is." or the classic, "What do you call a male dancer, anyway?" As mothers, we are supposed to politely take this and pretend that we don't understand the subtext. Most of us do.
My son has been bullied by straight kids, and sexually harassed by gay kids. He has often found himself apologizing that he prefers women and he works hard to embrace his friends who are gay. It is a weird road.
That is just the tip of the iceberg for a male dancer and actually it is not the worst part. What might surprise you is the pressure to succeed that is put on a male dancer. Because it is so difficult to choose this path, few boys enter into training without having some kind of professional aspirations. Parents who allow their children to dance often develop expectations that their sons will make it because the odds seem more favorable. There may be some truth to that, but the reality is that it is not nearly as easy as most people would assume.
Whether you are male or female, there is competition at the elite levels. There are a limited number of jobs and lots of talented individuals who want those jobs. Acceptance into the nation's top training programs are not absolute and placement in a company is elusive for men as well as women. But, if a woman fails to get a job, people understandingly brush it off because they understand it is a competitive world. If a man fails to get a job, people sometimes look at him differently and think of him as a failure.
When boys are younger, it is hard for mothers to celebrate their son's accomplishments. When a mom says, "Fred was just accepted into Royal Ballet School on a full scholarship!" People politely say, "Congratulations!" but they almost always follow it with a dismissive, "You are so lucky that you have a boy!" As if Royal Ballet just gives scholarships to anybody, and that hard work and talent had nothing to do with it. For the record, Royal Ballet is extremely competitive and they do not hand out scholarships to anybody. I know of extremely talented young men that have not been accepted to Royal or School of American Ballet or ABTII or HBII or other similar programs.
Another reason that having a boy is not so easy, Boy Ballet Moms are Often Nut Jobs!!!! You hear about crazy diva, ballerina moms. Wait until you meet a boy ballet mom. Important note, not all boy moms are crazy, but when they are crazy, it is an entirely different level of insanity. Crazy boy moms assume that the world rises and sets on their sons; because of their son, they often take a Queen Bee role in the studio. They pontificate about how things should be done and they throw their weight around like an A-list movie star on the set. The crazy boy mom rarely possesses humility about her son and will brag constantly about how incredible he is. They become a pseudo manager for their child and make everybody feel, studio directors included, as if the rest of the studio exists to serve them. They expect their son's needs to trump all others. When they feel as if they are not getting their due, things can become ugly. They pout, they play games, they threaten to walk before a big production, and they will sabotage those that they believe are a threat. It is a sad phenomenon and I have seen it in a number of studios with a number of mothers. Perhaps saddest of all, this entitlement trickles over to the son and he becomes a diva in the studio and often is socially isolated. Furthermore, when he goes out into the dance world, he is surprised to find that the world does not revolve around him.
I believe this "craziness" arises for a few reasons here are three. First, overzealous studio directors become excited when a boy comes through the door. They become invested in a boy very quickly and may be a little generous with the flattery in order to encourage the family to keep the young man involved. The Artistic Director will give him spotlight roles at an early age to keep boys interested and this enables the sense of entitlement.
Secondly, because most boys start dancing later in life (after 10 or 11), a boy who has gotten a head start (ages 4, 5, 6 or 7) will often see early on successes from external benchmarks that are disproportionate to their female counterparts. This will lead to a parent thinking that their child is extremely talented and they may be, (but at the age the pool of talent is still limited).
Next, Boy Ballet Moms have to become protective of their babies from the onset. As mothers, we all protect our children, but as I said in the beginning of this article, boys who choose to dance need a little extra help. People are often cruel and as moms we will often become fiercely defensive of them. As our boys get older, this is a behavior that becomes hard to dismiss. We continue to look out for them and when somebody hurts them we move in for the kill. It's hard for us to compartmentalize.
I am proud of my son and I am glad that he dances and my heart soars when I see him point his feet and move across the floor; but, I take nothing for granted. I don't assume that because he is male that he is entitled to anything more than his female counterparts. I expect that his successes will come from hard work and perhaps a little luck. But, I bristle when people suggest that this road is "easy" for him because he is a male. It is different, I will give you that, but it is not easy. He hates it when strangers find out he dances, he says they treat him weird and he has to work extra hard to establish his personality free from stereotypes. When he earns a scholarship or a major role, it is expected and dismissed. When he meets another boy in a studio, he has to be cautious in his friendship, he has been burned by the crazy mom that is threatened by him and the entitled young man. It's a lonely road and one that I did not choose for my son (because like my father, I thought that this is not what boys do) but I am so glad he took it. My life is richer, my friendships are deeper and my relationship with my son is tighter than most; so,...I am lucky that I have a boy, but not in the way that people assume but because he has taught me so much about life and love.
It is a hard road taken to be a boy who dances. If you are straight, you must defend your sexuality, if you are gay, you are "outed" perhaps before you are ready. People make assumptions about you based on your chosen passion. We have friends that are often surprised that my son is a car junkie, and when he mentions his girlfriend, you often hear an audible sigh of relief. My father, and father-in-law have never watched my son dance. In fact, I have taken home Nutcracker videos and they will excuse themselves from the room (my daughter is in it as well). It hurts. I don't even think they realize that they are being rude and that they are sending a very harsh message to both my son and me, but they are. Our "enlightened and cultured" friends say subtle things like, "Well, good for him for knowing who he is." or the classic, "What do you call a male dancer, anyway?" As mothers, we are supposed to politely take this and pretend that we don't understand the subtext. Most of us do.
My son has been bullied by straight kids, and sexually harassed by gay kids. He has often found himself apologizing that he prefers women and he works hard to embrace his friends who are gay. It is a weird road.
That is just the tip of the iceberg for a male dancer and actually it is not the worst part. What might surprise you is the pressure to succeed that is put on a male dancer. Because it is so difficult to choose this path, few boys enter into training without having some kind of professional aspirations. Parents who allow their children to dance often develop expectations that their sons will make it because the odds seem more favorable. There may be some truth to that, but the reality is that it is not nearly as easy as most people would assume.
Whether you are male or female, there is competition at the elite levels. There are a limited number of jobs and lots of talented individuals who want those jobs. Acceptance into the nation's top training programs are not absolute and placement in a company is elusive for men as well as women. But, if a woman fails to get a job, people understandingly brush it off because they understand it is a competitive world. If a man fails to get a job, people sometimes look at him differently and think of him as a failure.
When boys are younger, it is hard for mothers to celebrate their son's accomplishments. When a mom says, "Fred was just accepted into Royal Ballet School on a full scholarship!" People politely say, "Congratulations!" but they almost always follow it with a dismissive, "You are so lucky that you have a boy!" As if Royal Ballet just gives scholarships to anybody, and that hard work and talent had nothing to do with it. For the record, Royal Ballet is extremely competitive and they do not hand out scholarships to anybody. I know of extremely talented young men that have not been accepted to Royal or School of American Ballet or ABTII or HBII or other similar programs.
Another reason that having a boy is not so easy, Boy Ballet Moms are Often Nut Jobs!!!! You hear about crazy diva, ballerina moms. Wait until you meet a boy ballet mom. Important note, not all boy moms are crazy, but when they are crazy, it is an entirely different level of insanity. Crazy boy moms assume that the world rises and sets on their sons; because of their son, they often take a Queen Bee role in the studio. They pontificate about how things should be done and they throw their weight around like an A-list movie star on the set. The crazy boy mom rarely possesses humility about her son and will brag constantly about how incredible he is. They become a pseudo manager for their child and make everybody feel, studio directors included, as if the rest of the studio exists to serve them. They expect their son's needs to trump all others. When they feel as if they are not getting their due, things can become ugly. They pout, they play games, they threaten to walk before a big production, and they will sabotage those that they believe are a threat. It is a sad phenomenon and I have seen it in a number of studios with a number of mothers. Perhaps saddest of all, this entitlement trickles over to the son and he becomes a diva in the studio and often is socially isolated. Furthermore, when he goes out into the dance world, he is surprised to find that the world does not revolve around him.
I believe this "craziness" arises for a few reasons here are three. First, overzealous studio directors become excited when a boy comes through the door. They become invested in a boy very quickly and may be a little generous with the flattery in order to encourage the family to keep the young man involved. The Artistic Director will give him spotlight roles at an early age to keep boys interested and this enables the sense of entitlement.
Secondly, because most boys start dancing later in life (after 10 or 11), a boy who has gotten a head start (ages 4, 5, 6 or 7) will often see early on successes from external benchmarks that are disproportionate to their female counterparts. This will lead to a parent thinking that their child is extremely talented and they may be, (but at the age the pool of talent is still limited).
Next, Boy Ballet Moms have to become protective of their babies from the onset. As mothers, we all protect our children, but as I said in the beginning of this article, boys who choose to dance need a little extra help. People are often cruel and as moms we will often become fiercely defensive of them. As our boys get older, this is a behavior that becomes hard to dismiss. We continue to look out for them and when somebody hurts them we move in for the kill. It's hard for us to compartmentalize.
I am proud of my son and I am glad that he dances and my heart soars when I see him point his feet and move across the floor; but, I take nothing for granted. I don't assume that because he is male that he is entitled to anything more than his female counterparts. I expect that his successes will come from hard work and perhaps a little luck. But, I bristle when people suggest that this road is "easy" for him because he is a male. It is different, I will give you that, but it is not easy. He hates it when strangers find out he dances, he says they treat him weird and he has to work extra hard to establish his personality free from stereotypes. When he earns a scholarship or a major role, it is expected and dismissed. When he meets another boy in a studio, he has to be cautious in his friendship, he has been burned by the crazy mom that is threatened by him and the entitled young man. It's a lonely road and one that I did not choose for my son (because like my father, I thought that this is not what boys do) but I am so glad he took it. My life is richer, my friendships are deeper and my relationship with my son is tighter than most; so,...I am lucky that I have a boy, but not in the way that people assume but because he has taught me so much about life and love.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Watching from the Wings
Life can be disappointing at times; or at least that has been my experience. We all need to learn to suffer through adversity and disappointments. In fact, I would argue that I learn much more from my failures and disappointments than from my successes. For me, I try to believe that today's failures are laying the foundation for tomorrow's successes.
It is because of this philosophy that I have a hard time relating to parents that want to coddle their children or allow them to walk away when things get tough. As I have said before, I want to protect my children from as many of life's disappointments as I can; but, I would also hate for them to live a life where everything always worked out exactly as they wanted it. I would imagine that in that scenario a child would be ill-prepared for their life in the "real" adult world.
I often meet parents who seem to have a polar opposite perspective from me on this matter and I really have a hard time relating. I often see parents who jockey for their child's place in the studio so that their child doesn't have to experience hurt. These parents constantly advocate for their child--some through generous donations to the school, some through bullying those that might be seen as a threat, others through "extreme kindness" (translation brown-nosing), some through alliance building and in some cases, being a constant voice of needs, demands, and complaints (the squeaky wheel). I have seen these patterns of behavior at both pre-professional schools that my children have attended and it is my understanding from my friends throughout the country that these ballet mom archetypes (Future post topic) seem to be universal. The one universal truth that I have noticed throughout all these behaviors is that it does NOTHING to advance their child. What these moms do not grasp is that the child dances--NOT the mom. So, regardless of how much money they donate, how kind they are, how squeaky, how popular or whatever...the student's talent remains up to Mother Nature, and the child.
With that being said, when it comes to casting a show with students, sometimes things other than talent lend itself to casting decisions. For example, students may be cast because of height, ethnicity, personality, acting ability, gymnastic ability, sentimentality (SENIORS), family cohesion, because the child needs a challenge, class attendance, and a 1000 other reasons; but, in a serious studio, I have never heard of a child being cast for a bigger/better role because the parent bought the teacher a latte last Wednesday. Bottom line...if you are in a good studio, your child's successes and failures are theirs and only theirs. Let them learn this now, while they can come home to you and cry and you can help pick up the pieces. Learning to accept the disappointment of being cast as a mini-mouse instead of a gingerbread should prepare a child for other future disappointments, like not getting into the "right" summer intensive, or what happens when you get into the wrong level at summer intensive, or you don't get into a company, or you don't get into the company you wanted, etc.
A teacher friend of mine told me about a student of hers a couple of years ago. This child was accepted to a very prestigious summer intensive, the mother shared with her how this was such a great opportunity for this young lady who wanted to dance professionally; but, the coaches did not feel she was ready yet--neither technically nor emotionally. They suggested that she wait one more year before sending her because there were things that they were working on in class. They said that it would be better, in this case, to go a year later than go now and leave a bad memory. The mother disagreed because she felt like her daughter had been accepted so that meant she was good enough and emotionally ready. Well, the child arrived, made fast friends, took her placement class on Day 1 and everything was great. Day 2, however, the child learned that she was placed in the lowest level of the program and she called her mom in hysterics. The mother canceled the cruise that she planned to take with her husband, flew back to pick up her daughter and bring her home from the program. By Day 3 of the 35 day program, the girl was gone and so was a LOT of money.
Every time I think of this story, I want to slap the mom and say, "What the heck were you thinking?" The entire purpose of a summer intensive is to prepare a child for a professional career in dance. By caving into her daughter's hysterics, the mom deprived her child of the opportunity to study ballet at one of the best programs in the country. She deprived her of the opportunity to learn to deal with disappointment and she also kept her from having what would have been an amazing summer. Don't even get me started on the money.
With the benefit of hindsight and since it is not my child, and I didn't have to hear her crying hysterically on the phone, I can say with the firmest of conviction...IF that had been my child, I would have insisted that.."You made a commitment to this program for the summer. You could have the best learning opportunity of your life by learning how to deal with disappointment and you should have to learn to make the best of unpleasant situations. Everybody wants to be placed in the highest level and everybody is there to learn; but, if you come home now, they will never take you back into the program. But, if you stay and work hard there is a chance you may not only get to come back next summer but that you may become an even better dancer."
In addition to that, "I sent you away not only to enhance your ballet training but because I believed that you were mature enough to manage things on your own. One of the more unpleasant parts of life that we must face and learn to manage is dealing with disappointment; but, if I bring you home right now you will never learn how to work things out on your own, you will always assume that I will be there to "fix" your problems. I have paid for you to be there for five weeks, I expect you to work hard and make the most of the next five weeks and I will look forward to picking you up next month and seeing how much you have grown. Now, stop crying, suck it up and get to class."
Like I said, hindsight is 20/20 and I did not take the phone call, so it is impossible to know how I would have felt if that had been my daughter on the other end. But, it seems clear to me now. By the way, this child no longer dances, she quit when she was not cast as Clara for The Nutcracker.
As parents we work hard to see that our children are happy and provided for. The challenge for many of us is to remember where we end and the child begins. Most of us are so intertwined with our children's lives and activities that we think that we ought to be able to make sure our children are never disappointed; that we are some sort of cloak that can protect them from all disappointments and heartbreaks. But, the reality is we are not our children and we can survive disappointments because our parents gave us the wings to fly and then at some point pushed us out of the nest and let us do it on our own we must give our children the same opportunities if they are to succeed in life.
One of the side benefits of a dance education is that your child will be given the opportunity at an early age to learn about setting and achieving goals, as well as dealing with disappointments. All of these experiences happen while having their parents loving arms to wrap around them and console them when things don't go well. I believe that everybody needs those disappointments to grow. Missing out on the audition, or getting the understudy role or the lower level class should inspire an aspiring artist to work harder and prove the teacher or choreographer wrong. Successes, on the other hand often bring complacency and arrogance. If we do our job as parents, we use those disappointing moments as teaching opportunities to give our children the chance to grow and solve their own problems. If we solve their problems for them, they learn nothing except that we will fix it for them.
I want my children to know that when they leave our home at 18 their life is largely determined by their own actions and decisions. I will help them if I can, but they must make the calls. If my daughter was hired by American Ballet Theatre and Kevin McKenzie left her in the corps and did not promote her to soloist, I am pretty sure he wouldn't take too kindly to me showing up at his office for a meeting to discuss why she wasn't promoted. So, I think now seems as good a time as any to let her start to learn to work these things out on her own. While she does that, I will as always, be waiting in the wings in case I can help.
Are you on-stage with your child, watching them from the audience, waiting in the wings, or sitting at Starbucks until the show is over? While there is no manual, I think each position has its place depending on the child's age and situation, since there is no stage manager, I try to guess where I am supposed to be, sometimes I get it right and sometimes I miss the mark completely. Do you know yours?
With that being said, when it comes to casting a show with students, sometimes things other than talent lend itself to casting decisions. For example, students may be cast because of height, ethnicity, personality, acting ability, gymnastic ability, sentimentality (SENIORS), family cohesion, because the child needs a challenge, class attendance, and a 1000 other reasons; but, in a serious studio, I have never heard of a child being cast for a bigger/better role because the parent bought the teacher a latte last Wednesday. Bottom line...if you are in a good studio, your child's successes and failures are theirs and only theirs. Let them learn this now, while they can come home to you and cry and you can help pick up the pieces. Learning to accept the disappointment of being cast as a mini-mouse instead of a gingerbread should prepare a child for other future disappointments, like not getting into the "right" summer intensive, or what happens when you get into the wrong level at summer intensive, or you don't get into a company, or you don't get into the company you wanted, etc.
A teacher friend of mine told me about a student of hers a couple of years ago. This child was accepted to a very prestigious summer intensive, the mother shared with her how this was such a great opportunity for this young lady who wanted to dance professionally; but, the coaches did not feel she was ready yet--neither technically nor emotionally. They suggested that she wait one more year before sending her because there were things that they were working on in class. They said that it would be better, in this case, to go a year later than go now and leave a bad memory. The mother disagreed because she felt like her daughter had been accepted so that meant she was good enough and emotionally ready. Well, the child arrived, made fast friends, took her placement class on Day 1 and everything was great. Day 2, however, the child learned that she was placed in the lowest level of the program and she called her mom in hysterics. The mother canceled the cruise that she planned to take with her husband, flew back to pick up her daughter and bring her home from the program. By Day 3 of the 35 day program, the girl was gone and so was a LOT of money.
Every time I think of this story, I want to slap the mom and say, "What the heck were you thinking?" The entire purpose of a summer intensive is to prepare a child for a professional career in dance. By caving into her daughter's hysterics, the mom deprived her child of the opportunity to study ballet at one of the best programs in the country. She deprived her of the opportunity to learn to deal with disappointment and she also kept her from having what would have been an amazing summer. Don't even get me started on the money.
With the benefit of hindsight and since it is not my child, and I didn't have to hear her crying hysterically on the phone, I can say with the firmest of conviction...IF that had been my child, I would have insisted that.."You made a commitment to this program for the summer. You could have the best learning opportunity of your life by learning how to deal with disappointment and you should have to learn to make the best of unpleasant situations. Everybody wants to be placed in the highest level and everybody is there to learn; but, if you come home now, they will never take you back into the program. But, if you stay and work hard there is a chance you may not only get to come back next summer but that you may become an even better dancer."
In addition to that, "I sent you away not only to enhance your ballet training but because I believed that you were mature enough to manage things on your own. One of the more unpleasant parts of life that we must face and learn to manage is dealing with disappointment; but, if I bring you home right now you will never learn how to work things out on your own, you will always assume that I will be there to "fix" your problems. I have paid for you to be there for five weeks, I expect you to work hard and make the most of the next five weeks and I will look forward to picking you up next month and seeing how much you have grown. Now, stop crying, suck it up and get to class."
Like I said, hindsight is 20/20 and I did not take the phone call, so it is impossible to know how I would have felt if that had been my daughter on the other end. But, it seems clear to me now. By the way, this child no longer dances, she quit when she was not cast as Clara for The Nutcracker.
As parents we work hard to see that our children are happy and provided for. The challenge for many of us is to remember where we end and the child begins. Most of us are so intertwined with our children's lives and activities that we think that we ought to be able to make sure our children are never disappointed; that we are some sort of cloak that can protect them from all disappointments and heartbreaks. But, the reality is we are not our children and we can survive disappointments because our parents gave us the wings to fly and then at some point pushed us out of the nest and let us do it on our own we must give our children the same opportunities if they are to succeed in life.
One of the side benefits of a dance education is that your child will be given the opportunity at an early age to learn about setting and achieving goals, as well as dealing with disappointments. All of these experiences happen while having their parents loving arms to wrap around them and console them when things don't go well. I believe that everybody needs those disappointments to grow. Missing out on the audition, or getting the understudy role or the lower level class should inspire an aspiring artist to work harder and prove the teacher or choreographer wrong. Successes, on the other hand often bring complacency and arrogance. If we do our job as parents, we use those disappointing moments as teaching opportunities to give our children the chance to grow and solve their own problems. If we solve their problems for them, they learn nothing except that we will fix it for them.
I want my children to know that when they leave our home at 18 their life is largely determined by their own actions and decisions. I will help them if I can, but they must make the calls. If my daughter was hired by American Ballet Theatre and Kevin McKenzie left her in the corps and did not promote her to soloist, I am pretty sure he wouldn't take too kindly to me showing up at his office for a meeting to discuss why she wasn't promoted. So, I think now seems as good a time as any to let her start to learn to work these things out on her own. While she does that, I will as always, be waiting in the wings in case I can help.
Are you on-stage with your child, watching them from the audience, waiting in the wings, or sitting at Starbucks until the show is over? While there is no manual, I think each position has its place depending on the child's age and situation, since there is no stage manager, I try to guess where I am supposed to be, sometimes I get it right and sometimes I miss the mark completely. Do you know yours?
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
It's a Tough World, Buttercup!
Dance Training is not for the faint of heart. Dancers grow from criticsim. In fact, it is my experience that it is the rare dancer that is happy with laudatory praise.
When I tell my kids that they did great, they rarely accept it. While they will be gracious to the family friend or casual observer, to my dismay they ask for deeper thought. They generally ask me tough questions that call into play not only their technique but their artistry and expression. I personally don't like to wear the critic's hat, I prefer the role of adoring fan. But, I understand the need for criticism for growth. As I type this, I long to hear responses from my reader(s); so, that I know if I am achieving my objectives of not only informing and entertaining but also, providing a much needed discourse on the many complexities of navigating a dance education. Artists live for criticism.
For the child who suffers from self-esteem issues, this can be a real minefield for a teacher. A common teaching practice in a dance class is peer evaluation. In this exercise, students are asked to perform an exercise--it may be an element or a combination--and then peers are called upon to assess what they liked about it. The goal is to challenge students to learn to understand what makes a dancer stand out and help them to develop a clear visual association to enhance their own style and expression.
For some students though, this exploits their vulnerabilities and insecurities and can in some instances be devastating. To them, I reluctantly say, "It's a tough world, Buttercup! Suck it up!" If you choose to dance, you have to learn to deal with rejection. It is a rare dancer, that is never rejected or criticized. People will complain about your body, your expression, your artistry, the way that your thumb lays on your right hand in port-de-bras, they will call you out for your makeup and a myriad of other things. Some will be fair, some will be stylistic preferences, and some will be downright mean. But, criticism is an absolute that all dancers face. For those of you that are uncomfortable with peers making these judgments, your reluctance is understandable, but know that all kids are vulnerable in this exercise and each child hears their criticism loudly and takes it to heart. Teach them not to take it personally but to use it as an impetus to grow and observe as an artist.
I can assure you that very few dance teachers choose this as a path to riches. When you consider their working conditions--part-time status, evening and weekend hours, no health insurance, no retirement plan, etc, they are EXTREMELY underpaid; so, most of them get into it because of a legitmate passion for their art and sharing their art with new generations of students. They have a vested interest in growing not destroying young dancers. Most of the teachers I know LOVE their students and have a tremendous passion for each one and seek to nurture their spirits in more profound ways than you might expect or imagine.
Please remember this, the next time your child comes home complaining of how mean their teacher is or using what you find to be a questionable teaching methodology, remember this fact. There is nothing more precious to me than my child and when somebody deliberately hurts them there is nothing that motivates me more to turn into a Mama Bear and protect her cub. But, make sure that Mama Bear is attacking the vicious woodsman and not just another Mama Bear who thought she might just be teaching your cub how to take care of himself.
When I tell my kids that they did great, they rarely accept it. While they will be gracious to the family friend or casual observer, to my dismay they ask for deeper thought. They generally ask me tough questions that call into play not only their technique but their artistry and expression. I personally don't like to wear the critic's hat, I prefer the role of adoring fan. But, I understand the need for criticism for growth. As I type this, I long to hear responses from my reader(s); so, that I know if I am achieving my objectives of not only informing and entertaining but also, providing a much needed discourse on the many complexities of navigating a dance education. Artists live for criticism.
For the child who suffers from self-esteem issues, this can be a real minefield for a teacher. A common teaching practice in a dance class is peer evaluation. In this exercise, students are asked to perform an exercise--it may be an element or a combination--and then peers are called upon to assess what they liked about it. The goal is to challenge students to learn to understand what makes a dancer stand out and help them to develop a clear visual association to enhance their own style and expression.
For some students though, this exploits their vulnerabilities and insecurities and can in some instances be devastating. To them, I reluctantly say, "It's a tough world, Buttercup! Suck it up!" If you choose to dance, you have to learn to deal with rejection. It is a rare dancer, that is never rejected or criticized. People will complain about your body, your expression, your artistry, the way that your thumb lays on your right hand in port-de-bras, they will call you out for your makeup and a myriad of other things. Some will be fair, some will be stylistic preferences, and some will be downright mean. But, criticism is an absolute that all dancers face. For those of you that are uncomfortable with peers making these judgments, your reluctance is understandable, but know that all kids are vulnerable in this exercise and each child hears their criticism loudly and takes it to heart. Teach them not to take it personally but to use it as an impetus to grow and observe as an artist.
I can assure you that very few dance teachers choose this as a path to riches. When you consider their working conditions--part-time status, evening and weekend hours, no health insurance, no retirement plan, etc, they are EXTREMELY underpaid; so, most of them get into it because of a legitmate passion for their art and sharing their art with new generations of students. They have a vested interest in growing not destroying young dancers. Most of the teachers I know LOVE their students and have a tremendous passion for each one and seek to nurture their spirits in more profound ways than you might expect or imagine.
Please remember this, the next time your child comes home complaining of how mean their teacher is or using what you find to be a questionable teaching methodology, remember this fact. There is nothing more precious to me than my child and when somebody deliberately hurts them there is nothing that motivates me more to turn into a Mama Bear and protect her cub. But, make sure that Mama Bear is attacking the vicious woodsman and not just another Mama Bear who thought she might just be teaching your cub how to take care of himself.
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