You Are So Lucky You Have A Boy!

Mothers of boys who dance know this statement all too well.  I wonder if they all feel the same pain.  Having a boy who chooses to dance ballet is no picnic in the park, yet most people I encounter assume that it is.  People often assume that if a boy can point his foot he will be taking the stages of The Met; that choirs of angels will sing, that the seas will part and the male dancer can have his pick of whatever he desires in the dance world.  I don't honestly think that people believe this when they pause for a moment to think, but yet to Moms of Boys, it seems like everybody thinks this way.

It is a hard road taken to be a boy who dances.  If you are straight, you must defend your sexuality, if you are gay, you are "outed" perhaps before you are ready.  People make assumptions about you based on your chosen passion.  We have friends that are often surprised that my son is a car junkie, and when he mentions his girlfriend, you often hear an audible sigh of relief.  My father, and father-in-law have never watched my son dance.  In fact, I have taken home Nutcracker videos and they will excuse themselves from the room (my daughter is in it as well).  It hurts.  I don't even think they realize that they are being rude and that they are sending a very harsh message to both my son and me, but they are.  Our "enlightened and cultured" friends say subtle things like, "Well, good for him for knowing who he is."  or the classic, "What do you call a male dancer, anyway?"  As mothers, we are supposed to politely take this and pretend that we don't understand the subtext.  Most of us do.

My son has been bullied by straight kids, and sexually harassed by gay kids.  He has often found himself apologizing that he prefers women and he works hard to embrace his friends who are gay.  It is a weird road.

That is just the tip of the iceberg for a male dancer and actually it is not the worst part.  What might surprise you is the pressure to succeed that is put on a male dancer.  Because it is so difficult to choose this path, few boys enter into training without having some kind of professional aspirations.  Parents who allow their children to dance often develop expectations that their sons will make it because the odds seem more favorable.  There may be some truth to that, but the reality is that it is not nearly as easy as most people would assume.

Whether you are male or female, there is competition at the elite levels.  There are a limited number of jobs and lots of talented individuals who want those jobs.  Acceptance into the nation's top training programs are not absolute and placement in a company is elusive for men as well as women.  But, if a woman fails to get a job, people understandingly brush it off because they understand it is a competitive world.  If a man fails to get a job, people sometimes look at him differently and think of him as a failure.

When boys are younger, it is hard for mothers to celebrate their son's accomplishments.  When a mom says, "Fred was just accepted into Royal Ballet School on a full scholarship!"  People politely say, "Congratulations!"  but they almost always follow it with a dismissive, "You are so lucky that you have a boy!"  As if Royal Ballet just gives scholarships to anybody, and that hard work and talent had nothing to do with it.   For the record, Royal Ballet is extremely competitive and they do not hand out scholarships to anybody.  I know of extremely talented young men that have not been accepted to Royal or School of American Ballet or ABTII or HBII or other similar programs.

Another reason that having a boy is not so easy, Boy Ballet Moms are Often Nut Jobs!!!! You hear about crazy diva, ballerina moms.  Wait until you meet a boy ballet mom.  Important note, not all boy moms are crazy, but when they are crazy, it is an entirely different level of insanity.  Crazy boy moms assume that the world rises and sets on their sons; because of their son, they often take a Queen Bee role in the studio.  They pontificate about how things should be done and they throw their weight around like an A-list movie star on the set.  The crazy boy mom rarely possesses humility about her son and will brag constantly about how incredible he is.  They become a pseudo manager for their child and  make everybody feel, studio directors included, as if the rest of the studio exists to serve them.  They expect their son's needs to trump all  others.  When they feel as if they are not getting their due, things can become ugly.  They pout, they play games, they threaten to walk before a big production, and they will sabotage those that they believe are a threat.  It is a sad phenomenon and I have seen it in a number of studios with a number of mothers.  Perhaps saddest of all, this entitlement trickles over to the son and he becomes a diva in the studio and often is socially isolated.  Furthermore, when he goes out into the dance world, he is surprised to find that the world does not revolve around him.

I believe this "craziness" arises for a few reasons here are three.  First, overzealous studio directors become excited when a boy comes through the door.  They become invested in a boy very quickly and may be a little generous with the flattery in order to encourage the family to keep the young man involved.  The Artistic Director will give him spotlight roles at an early age to keep boys interested and this enables the sense of entitlement.

Secondly, because most boys start dancing later in life (after 10 or 11), a boy who has gotten a head start (ages 4, 5, 6 or 7) will often see early on successes from external benchmarks that are disproportionate to their female counterparts.  This will lead to a parent thinking that their child is extremely talented and they may be, (but at the age the pool of talent is still limited).

Next, Boy Ballet Moms have to become protective of their babies from the onset.  As mothers, we all protect our children, but as I said in the beginning of this article, boys who choose to dance need a little extra help. People are often cruel and as moms we will often become fiercely defensive of them.  As our boys get older, this is a behavior that becomes hard to dismiss.  We continue to look out for them and when somebody hurts them we move in for the kill.  It's hard for us to compartmentalize.

I am proud of my son and I am glad that he dances and my heart soars when I see him point his feet  and move across the floor; but, I take nothing for granted.  I don't assume that because he is male that he is entitled to anything more than his female counterparts.  I expect that his successes will come from hard work and perhaps a little luck.  But, I bristle when people suggest that this road is "easy" for him because he is a male.  It is different, I will give you that, but it is not easy.  He hates it when strangers find out he dances, he says they treat him weird and he has to work extra hard to establish his personality free from stereotypes.  When he earns a scholarship or a major role, it is expected and dismissed.  When he meets another boy in a studio, he has to be cautious in his friendship, he has been burned by the crazy mom that is threatened by him and the entitled young man.  It's a lonely road and one that I did not choose for my son (because like my father, I thought that this is not what boys do) but I am so glad he took it.  My life is richer, my friendships are deeper and my relationship with my son is tighter than most; so,...I am lucky that I have a boy, but not in the way that people assume but because he has taught me so much about life and love.