It is because of this philosophy that I have a hard time relating to parents that want to coddle their children or allow them to walk away when things get tough. As I have said before, I want to protect my children from as many of life's disappointments as I can; but, I would also hate for them to live a life where everything always worked out exactly as they wanted it. I would imagine that in that scenario a child would be ill-prepared for their life in the "real" adult world.
I often meet parents who seem to have a polar opposite perspective from me on this matter and I really have a hard time relating. I often see parents who jockey for their child's place in the studio so that their child doesn't have to experience hurt. These parents constantly advocate for their child--some through generous donations to the school, some through bullying those that might be seen as a threat, others through "extreme kindness" (translation brown-nosing), some through alliance building and in some cases, being a constant voice of needs, demands, and complaints (the squeaky wheel). I have seen these patterns of behavior at both pre-professional schools that my children have attended and it is my understanding from my friends throughout the country that these ballet mom archetypes (Future post topic) seem to be universal. The one universal truth that I have noticed throughout all these behaviors is that it does NOTHING to advance their child. What these moms do not grasp is that the child dances--NOT the mom. So, regardless of how much money they donate, how kind they are, how squeaky, how popular or whatever...the student's talent remains up to Mother Nature, and the child.
With that being said, when it comes to casting a show with students, sometimes things other than talent lend itself to casting decisions. For example, students may be cast because of height, ethnicity, personality, acting ability, gymnastic ability, sentimentality (SENIORS), family cohesion, because the child needs a challenge, class attendance, and a 1000 other reasons; but, in a serious studio, I have never heard of a child being cast for a bigger/better role because the parent bought the teacher a latte last Wednesday. Bottom line...if you are in a good studio, your child's successes and failures are theirs and only theirs. Let them learn this now, while they can come home to you and cry and you can help pick up the pieces. Learning to accept the disappointment of being cast as a mini-mouse instead of a gingerbread should prepare a child for other future disappointments, like not getting into the "right" summer intensive, or what happens when you get into the wrong level at summer intensive, or you don't get into a company, or you don't get into the company you wanted, etc.
A teacher friend of mine told me about a student of hers a couple of years ago. This child was accepted to a very prestigious summer intensive, the mother shared with her how this was such a great opportunity for this young lady who wanted to dance professionally; but, the coaches did not feel she was ready yet--neither technically nor emotionally. They suggested that she wait one more year before sending her because there were things that they were working on in class. They said that it would be better, in this case, to go a year later than go now and leave a bad memory. The mother disagreed because she felt like her daughter had been accepted so that meant she was good enough and emotionally ready. Well, the child arrived, made fast friends, took her placement class on Day 1 and everything was great. Day 2, however, the child learned that she was placed in the lowest level of the program and she called her mom in hysterics. The mother canceled the cruise that she planned to take with her husband, flew back to pick up her daughter and bring her home from the program. By Day 3 of the 35 day program, the girl was gone and so was a LOT of money.
Every time I think of this story, I want to slap the mom and say, "What the heck were you thinking?" The entire purpose of a summer intensive is to prepare a child for a professional career in dance. By caving into her daughter's hysterics, the mom deprived her child of the opportunity to study ballet at one of the best programs in the country. She deprived her of the opportunity to learn to deal with disappointment and she also kept her from having what would have been an amazing summer. Don't even get me started on the money.
With the benefit of hindsight and since it is not my child, and I didn't have to hear her crying hysterically on the phone, I can say with the firmest of conviction...IF that had been my child, I would have insisted that.."You made a commitment to this program for the summer. You could have the best learning opportunity of your life by learning how to deal with disappointment and you should have to learn to make the best of unpleasant situations. Everybody wants to be placed in the highest level and everybody is there to learn; but, if you come home now, they will never take you back into the program. But, if you stay and work hard there is a chance you may not only get to come back next summer but that you may become an even better dancer."
In addition to that, "I sent you away not only to enhance your ballet training but because I believed that you were mature enough to manage things on your own. One of the more unpleasant parts of life that we must face and learn to manage is dealing with disappointment; but, if I bring you home right now you will never learn how to work things out on your own, you will always assume that I will be there to "fix" your problems. I have paid for you to be there for five weeks, I expect you to work hard and make the most of the next five weeks and I will look forward to picking you up next month and seeing how much you have grown. Now, stop crying, suck it up and get to class."
Like I said, hindsight is 20/20 and I did not take the phone call, so it is impossible to know how I would have felt if that had been my daughter on the other end. But, it seems clear to me now. By the way, this child no longer dances, she quit when she was not cast as Clara for The Nutcracker.
As parents we work hard to see that our children are happy and provided for. The challenge for many of us is to remember where we end and the child begins. Most of us are so intertwined with our children's lives and activities that we think that we ought to be able to make sure our children are never disappointed; that we are some sort of cloak that can protect them from all disappointments and heartbreaks. But, the reality is we are not our children and we can survive disappointments because our parents gave us the wings to fly and then at some point pushed us out of the nest and let us do it on our own we must give our children the same opportunities if they are to succeed in life.
One of the side benefits of a dance education is that your child will be given the opportunity at an early age to learn about setting and achieving goals, as well as dealing with disappointments. All of these experiences happen while having their parents loving arms to wrap around them and console them when things don't go well. I believe that everybody needs those disappointments to grow. Missing out on the audition, or getting the understudy role or the lower level class should inspire an aspiring artist to work harder and prove the teacher or choreographer wrong. Successes, on the other hand often bring complacency and arrogance. If we do our job as parents, we use those disappointing moments as teaching opportunities to give our children the chance to grow and solve their own problems. If we solve their problems for them, they learn nothing except that we will fix it for them.
I want my children to know that when they leave our home at 18 their life is largely determined by their own actions and decisions. I will help them if I can, but they must make the calls. If my daughter was hired by American Ballet Theatre and Kevin McKenzie left her in the corps and did not promote her to soloist, I am pretty sure he wouldn't take too kindly to me showing up at his office for a meeting to discuss why she wasn't promoted. So, I think now seems as good a time as any to let her start to learn to work these things out on her own. While she does that, I will as always, be waiting in the wings in case I can help.
Are you on-stage with your child, watching them from the audience, waiting in the wings, or sitting at Starbucks until the show is over? While there is no manual, I think each position has its place depending on the child's age and situation, since there is no stage manager, I try to guess where I am supposed to be, sometimes I get it right and sometimes I miss the mark completely. Do you know yours?
With that being said, when it comes to casting a show with students, sometimes things other than talent lend itself to casting decisions. For example, students may be cast because of height, ethnicity, personality, acting ability, gymnastic ability, sentimentality (SENIORS), family cohesion, because the child needs a challenge, class attendance, and a 1000 other reasons; but, in a serious studio, I have never heard of a child being cast for a bigger/better role because the parent bought the teacher a latte last Wednesday. Bottom line...if you are in a good studio, your child's successes and failures are theirs and only theirs. Let them learn this now, while they can come home to you and cry and you can help pick up the pieces. Learning to accept the disappointment of being cast as a mini-mouse instead of a gingerbread should prepare a child for other future disappointments, like not getting into the "right" summer intensive, or what happens when you get into the wrong level at summer intensive, or you don't get into a company, or you don't get into the company you wanted, etc.
A teacher friend of mine told me about a student of hers a couple of years ago. This child was accepted to a very prestigious summer intensive, the mother shared with her how this was such a great opportunity for this young lady who wanted to dance professionally; but, the coaches did not feel she was ready yet--neither technically nor emotionally. They suggested that she wait one more year before sending her because there were things that they were working on in class. They said that it would be better, in this case, to go a year later than go now and leave a bad memory. The mother disagreed because she felt like her daughter had been accepted so that meant she was good enough and emotionally ready. Well, the child arrived, made fast friends, took her placement class on Day 1 and everything was great. Day 2, however, the child learned that she was placed in the lowest level of the program and she called her mom in hysterics. The mother canceled the cruise that she planned to take with her husband, flew back to pick up her daughter and bring her home from the program. By Day 3 of the 35 day program, the girl was gone and so was a LOT of money.
Every time I think of this story, I want to slap the mom and say, "What the heck were you thinking?" The entire purpose of a summer intensive is to prepare a child for a professional career in dance. By caving into her daughter's hysterics, the mom deprived her child of the opportunity to study ballet at one of the best programs in the country. She deprived her of the opportunity to learn to deal with disappointment and she also kept her from having what would have been an amazing summer. Don't even get me started on the money.
With the benefit of hindsight and since it is not my child, and I didn't have to hear her crying hysterically on the phone, I can say with the firmest of conviction...IF that had been my child, I would have insisted that.."You made a commitment to this program for the summer. You could have the best learning opportunity of your life by learning how to deal with disappointment and you should have to learn to make the best of unpleasant situations. Everybody wants to be placed in the highest level and everybody is there to learn; but, if you come home now, they will never take you back into the program. But, if you stay and work hard there is a chance you may not only get to come back next summer but that you may become an even better dancer."
In addition to that, "I sent you away not only to enhance your ballet training but because I believed that you were mature enough to manage things on your own. One of the more unpleasant parts of life that we must face and learn to manage is dealing with disappointment; but, if I bring you home right now you will never learn how to work things out on your own, you will always assume that I will be there to "fix" your problems. I have paid for you to be there for five weeks, I expect you to work hard and make the most of the next five weeks and I will look forward to picking you up next month and seeing how much you have grown. Now, stop crying, suck it up and get to class."
Like I said, hindsight is 20/20 and I did not take the phone call, so it is impossible to know how I would have felt if that had been my daughter on the other end. But, it seems clear to me now. By the way, this child no longer dances, she quit when she was not cast as Clara for The Nutcracker.
As parents we work hard to see that our children are happy and provided for. The challenge for many of us is to remember where we end and the child begins. Most of us are so intertwined with our children's lives and activities that we think that we ought to be able to make sure our children are never disappointed; that we are some sort of cloak that can protect them from all disappointments and heartbreaks. But, the reality is we are not our children and we can survive disappointments because our parents gave us the wings to fly and then at some point pushed us out of the nest and let us do it on our own we must give our children the same opportunities if they are to succeed in life.
One of the side benefits of a dance education is that your child will be given the opportunity at an early age to learn about setting and achieving goals, as well as dealing with disappointments. All of these experiences happen while having their parents loving arms to wrap around them and console them when things don't go well. I believe that everybody needs those disappointments to grow. Missing out on the audition, or getting the understudy role or the lower level class should inspire an aspiring artist to work harder and prove the teacher or choreographer wrong. Successes, on the other hand often bring complacency and arrogance. If we do our job as parents, we use those disappointing moments as teaching opportunities to give our children the chance to grow and solve their own problems. If we solve their problems for them, they learn nothing except that we will fix it for them.
I want my children to know that when they leave our home at 18 their life is largely determined by their own actions and decisions. I will help them if I can, but they must make the calls. If my daughter was hired by American Ballet Theatre and Kevin McKenzie left her in the corps and did not promote her to soloist, I am pretty sure he wouldn't take too kindly to me showing up at his office for a meeting to discuss why she wasn't promoted. So, I think now seems as good a time as any to let her start to learn to work these things out on her own. While she does that, I will as always, be waiting in the wings in case I can help.
Are you on-stage with your child, watching them from the audience, waiting in the wings, or sitting at Starbucks until the show is over? While there is no manual, I think each position has its place depending on the child's age and situation, since there is no stage manager, I try to guess where I am supposed to be, sometimes I get it right and sometimes I miss the mark completely. Do you know yours?
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