Shake Your Boom Boom!

I have a tremendous bias when it comes to dance.  Call me a snob, call me whatever you want; but, in the dance world, Ballet is King!!!  I believe that a strong ballet dancer can do almost anything other dancers can do and better.  There are a few exceptions to this rule--Krump, pop and lock, breaking, and tap dance (these are specialty art forms and do not necessarily rely on the traditional dance vocabulary).

Given my prejudice towards ballet, you can imagine my feelings about parents that limit their children's training to commercial (recreational/competition) studios.  I know it is often out of ignorance, but I think that children that are still at commercial studios after the age of 13 face an ever-narrowing window of opportunity when it comes to dance.

Interestingly enough, I think commercial studios blow pure ballet programs out of the water  until age 10 or 11.  If you look at a student that attends a pure ballet program at ages 5 through 9, they are not very advanced in dance.  They typically lack the flexibility, expression and musicality that their similarly aged competition counterparts possess.  This continues up until age 10 and then an interesting transformation seems to take place.  The ballet-focused 10 year old begins to catch up to the competition student, by age 11, they are neck and neck with the 11 year old ballerina being cleaner in execution and the competition dancer being more expressive and musical and certainly possessing the tricks that wow an audience.  But, by age 12 (or 2 years of serious ballet training with a weekly jazz and lyrical class, the ballerina tends to take the lead).  At age 14, the ballerina that performs a lyrical piece is mesmerizing.  She  is technically flawless and somehow it all looks effortless while the prodigy commercial dancer often looks sloppy and seems to be unfinished.

So, these early results produce an interesting conundrum for parents; when is the optimal time to transition from a commercial/recreational program to a ballet program?  I see many parents stick with the commercial focused training too long.  In fact, there is a snobbery that comes from commercial moms to ballet moms.  Can anybody say "irony"?   I hear moms of 7 year olds that are at commercial studios say things like, "oh she is really advanced, she can already do triple pirouettes leading into 3 right leg hold turns into a double illusion followed by a back walkover into a split up into an aerial."

I think to myself, "Wow!  My daughter better get to work."

However, I leave it at a plain "Wow!" and I genuinely mean it.

They then go on to further offer that they think their children would be really bored at a ballet studio.  I have to admit I can understand why.  But, this pomposity will set her child up for failure in the future.

Like ballet moms, commercial moms get sucked into their dance lives and tend to think that sticking with the status quo is the best course of action.  This can spell trouble.  At 10 and even 11,  all of those super duper, shake your boom boom tricks and turns are paying off, but there seems to be a wall that these kids hit and for the most part, they stop improving.  Typically, mom doesn't realize it until it's too late.  Her daughter is still winning trophies and she can now do 6 pirouettes leading into a 5 right leg hold turn into a quadruple illusion followed by a back walkover into a split up into an aerial; so she is improving, but the technique is not coming along, and the artistry seems to start flailing.  The problem is they don't see that the rest of the pack is catching up until they have been passed by and the only dance prospects that remain are those that mean a lifetime of going from audition to audition looking for the next big thing.

This is actually a common problem among a lot of dance moms.  We tend to be very comfortable with our studio and the way things are going and we forget that our studio is  a vacuum  being the best in the class does not mean that they are holding up against their peers at other programs.    This is why I advocate finding a way to benchmark your child's progress.  In the younger ages, competitions either entering or watching are a great way to go about this.  As your children age, the Summer Intensive audition circuit is a wonderful option.

I am not suggesting that there are no successful commercial or ballroom dancers who have not been trained in ballet.  In fact, that is absurd. What I am advocating is that a student who wishes to improve their chances to be a  successful ballroom or commercial dancer would be well-served to supplement their training with a solid ballet education from ages 10-18.  The student that does so, will find that they are well-prepared for a career that starts on So You Think You Can Dance, or Dancing With the Stars and perhaps includes a stop on Broadway.  I think that the child that limits their training to commercial training only without a strong ballet foundation will still work as a dancer but they will be the ones slogging from audition to audition and going from gig to gig without the security of a weekly paycheck--as a parent, this is my nightmare.

For the record, while I believe Ballet is King.  I think that a ballet student that is a strong jazz, lyrical, musical theater, hip hop and tap dancer is more likely to work than a student that focuses exclusively on ballet.  In the corporate world, we refer to this as cross-training, in dance we just call it versatility. Whatever you call it though, the other genres lead to greater musicality, artistry, expression, and rhythm all essential components of a successful ballet dancer.

So, to my ballet mom friends...for all of the times that you have been talked down to because your child isn't able to do 30 pirouettes, remember that a beautifully choreographed dance like a piece of music, uses phrasing and punctuation through movement to convey the story.  A piece that is all pirouettes, leg hold turns, and other tricks is the choreographic equivalent of TYPING IN ALL CAPS.  IT CONVEYS A MESSAGE BUT NOT NECESSARILY ONE THAT FITS THE MUSIC.   However, for most of us while fluidity and technical precision are beautiful, we also love the excitement of a well-placed trick or two or heck even three or four.  Both commercial and pre-professional ballet training seem to create a well-rounded dancer maybe both parties should embrace what the other side has to offer and recognize that crossing over to the "dark side" may be just the ticket to put your dancer over the top when she is looking for a job.

A few videos of prodigy dancers at all ages:

Amazing but still makes me shudder...

Strong 7 year old dancers

Even though they are remarkable at 7, I object to the choreography and costuming.  Truthfully, this is why so many ballet moms are reluctant to put their children in commercial programs.

What I love to see...

Alex Wong, a classically trained ballet dancer shows his versatility!

This makes my heart soar!

Yuan Yuan Tan and Damian Smith

On Blogging in Anonymity

I feel a little guilty for not revealing my identity.  It is actually uncharacteristic of me to be secretive.  My life has always been an open book.  I will tell you just about anything about my life as long as it doesn't compromise somebody else.  It is because of my desire to protect others that I have made the decision to keep my identity secret.

The ballet world is a small world and sometimes in it we behave badly.  I choose to believe that people's character should not be defined by their worst decisions and weakest moments, but instead by the sum of their actions.  Because of this, I believe that most ballet moms are good people, perhaps at times misguided, but in their entirety, they are good people.

If I put my name on my blog, you would not only know my name, but you would also know the name of the studio that my children attend, the names of my children and additionally, the families that attend our studio.  Some of the stories I share are from conversations that I have and hear in our studio, other stories are from studios that we have been to before, and some are stories from friends whose children go to other studios. Other stories come from characters that I meet along the way.  I believe that by preserving my anonymity, I also protect my friends and their children.

In addition to this concern, I want to protect my own children.  I believe their identity is irrelevant to my opinions and my identity is irrelevant to their training.  I am uncertain though that their school would agree and this is a chance I am unwilling to take.

Lastly, in order to make this blog a success, it is imperative that I am completely honest.  Not only honest in my observations, but also, honest in my own shortcomings and failures.  If I reveal my identity, I fear that I will try to be politically correct.   There is too much political correctness in the ballet world, we tend to sugarcoat things when honesty is needed. It is my experience that not all ballet moms are honest about things concerning their children.  They tend to overstate their children's talents, or understate their goals, they will exaggerate to put their children in the best possible light.  Sometimes it's exaggeration, sometimes it's a lie, and sometimes it's just distorted vision.  Most of the time, it is not malicious but it is detrimental.   If we are to learn from one another, honesty is warranted, but, it is hard to do so when it comes to our children; so, I will stay anonymous, so I can be honest.  I feel like it is a small price to pay.

"I Just Wanna Dance"

My daughter has started to go through pointe shoes more often, and that means that I now try to keep two pair in her bag (new pair and an old pair). This means I spend a lot more time and money in the dance store.  One day, I was talking to a young girl (age 13 or 14)  in the dance store about dancing.  After we had made the usual ballet small talk about where she trained and her favorite type of dancing (ballet), I asked her if she had a particular company in mind where she wanted to dance.  She looked at me quizzically, and said, "I just wanna dance?"

That's it, isn't it?  The reality is that a dancer doesn't care about the company or its location.  They just "wanna dance."  Don't misunderstand, they want to be compensated and they want to work in a community that supports the arts.  But, given the choice between dancing or not they will take dancing any day.

I think it is parents with our real-world concerns that tend to worry about whether they wind up on the stages in Europe, at Lincoln Center, or working in Small-Town North Dakota. In reality, these concerns are kind of silly.  For most kids, they will have a professional career that ends in their mid-twenties.  If it means that they only make $300 a week is that really so bad?  Presumably, they don't have a family to support; and if they are with a smaller company that pays less, they have time to go to college or get a part-time job or both.  So, if they don't make six-figures with profit sharing and pension, is it a big deal if they are happy?

I understand parents that would object to this as a profession if that means that the parents have to support their child.  But, if their child is living independently and this is their passion, then any amount of money they are paid seems like it ought to be worthwhile.

I spend far too much time worrying about my children's career and planning it out.  The truth is my kids are thrilled with the journey.  They celebrate their milestones and improvements every day.  They love every moment that they get with their teachers, they love the time spent with their friends in the studios and they love being able to apply corrections and improve in small increments every day.  They don't care what they are doing in three, five, or fifteen years.  They are happy in the now.  I could learn a lot from them.

In the end, there are so many things that are outside of my control, that all of my worry and concern is absurd.  All it does is aggravate my kids, my husband and create a lot of anxiety in me.  Anxiety that is often manifested as CRAZY BALLET MOM my unfortunate alter ego; who behaves badly because of pettiness and jealousy.

If this is a journey, I should it treat it as such, here are my new rules for survival:

1. Figure out the destination.  Do my children want to dance professionally? Is this their extra-curricular until college?  Are they just trying it out to see if they like it?   I haven't asked them recently.

2. Set some benchmarks along the way, must sees and must dos.  What are the things that they want to get out of their dance education?  Ask them the question, if they had to give up dancing tomorrow, next year or in five years what are the things that they would regret not doing.  Put those on their dance "bucket list."

3. Plan the day's journey.  Figure out what you need to do this year to give them the best chance to achieve their destination.  Set those goals and let them work to achieve them.

4. Assess tomorrow's route at the end of today.  Don't worry about what happens next year.  If you have done step 3 then step 4 will take care of itself.  Going too far in the future just confuses the present and keeps everybody from enjoying the journey.

5. Enjoy the journey.  Celebrate the journey.  Enjoy the little milestones, the new roles in Nutcracker, going on pointe, getting to go to a summer intensive.  All of these are significant milestones in a dancers career, celebrate them!

Sometimes it takes another person to give you perspective and cause you to pause and reassess how you do things.  These are blessings in life.  I welcome those opportunities as they teach me a great deal. Who would have thought a chance conversation with a little girl in a dance store, could teach me so much?  Perhaps the moral of the story is "Listen to wisdom, you never know where it might be." or for those of you who didn't need that reminder..."Always buy a spare pair of pointe shoes when you get down to one pair."

Mother Knows Best...Sometimes

I sometimes get a chuckle out of parents who have never danced professionally, who do not know any professional dancers and have no affiliation with the dance world that seem to think they know what is best when it comes to their children's dance education.  I am not referring to matters of career direction or what type of training suits their child (i.e. Vaganova, RAD, Cechetti, or ABT).  What I am referring to is parents who discount the recommended curriculum and attendance requirements but expect the same results as those students that follow the recommendations.

Our studio, like many pre-professional schools, prices its levels at a "package price."  The classes included in the package are pas-de-deux, technique, character, modern, conditioning, etc.    What I notice though is that some parents seem to pick and choose what they think is important.  Commonly thrown out are classes like jazz, character, and contemporary.  These classes are expendable in many parents eyes.  I hear my children's friends say that they don't take those classes because they have...karate, music, gymnastics and in some cases homework.  Do not misunderstand me, I believe that all of those endeavors are important.  My question is how do you make the determination of what is of value and what is not?

I hear parents make the argument for not taking character, for example, that their child does not like character.  Do they let their children skip Math because their child does not like it?

I hear parents say that they don't ask their child to take Modern or jazz because there child wants to be a ballet dancer.  Have parents watched any of the major companies perform?  Do they realize that most classical companies have a contemporary repertoire?  Do they realize that often one of the biggest difficulties that ballet dancers face is breaking down their rigid centers and being able to freely move?  Do they realize that jazz classes typically begin with stretching which ballet classes rarely do.

They argue that conditioning is not necessary because their kid takes 20 hours of technique a week.  Do they know that pilates helps them to find the muscles that are need to properly use that technique and avoid injury.

Parents will say things like..."we don't expect that she is going to be a professional dancer".  I want to say,  "Have you discussed this with your child?  Because it seems unlikely to me, that she wants to spend 12 to 15 hours per week studying something if she is not serious about it."

While I ultimately respect a parent's right to make the decisions that they feel are best for their child, I wonder if they realize that these choices may cost them roles in the future.  Have they explained the consequences of these choices to their child?

I contend that, pre-professional studios like academic schools, put together curriculums that they believe will produce successful dancers.  Something has to give.  If a parent chooses to eliminate elements of their child's academic curriculum, they would not have a leg to stand on if the child was not placed with a top-notch university.  But, yet, they will not hesitate to complain if their child is not given the preferred roles in shows, accepted into the A-list Summer Intensives, or placed with the top companies although they have created their own curriculum. This does not seem to be fair, does it?

Dance is a comprehensive education.   To have professional desires with a recreational approach to training is reckless.  Before a parent independently designs their own curriculum for their child's education, I would encourage them to discuss the matter with all parties who have a vested interest in their child's success in dance--the child and the studio directors.

If the studio has a comprehensive training plan supported by a comprehensive tuition structure, chances are the studio feels that the classes they are offering have value.  After all, they aren't getting paid extra money for the extra hours of training they are offering; but, they may believe that some classes are more expendable than others given your child's needs.  In some cases, it might be preferable for the child to forego technique before giving up modern.  That is only an assessment that in most cases the child's teachers are prepared to make.

As parents, we are too close to the situation and generally speaking, lack the knowledge and insight into dance training that would be required to make this assessment.  We tend to see things in black and white, but there are often shades of gray.  Make sure that you understand the subtleties in shading before you forge ahead.

Meet Mother Superior

As I mentioned before, I am convinced that there are ballet mom archetypes.  In my last posting, You Are So Lucky You Have a Boy. I mentioned the Boy Ballet Mom.  Today, I wanted to introduce Mother Superior.

You can identify Mother Superior in her environment by her smug attitude concerning her child.  It is a given (in her mind) that her child will be the star of the level.  Mother Superior believes that her darling should have the best roles, the bulk of the teacher's attention, and that the traditional rules concerning such things as pointe work and level placement simply do not apply for the child of Mother Superior.

Other talented children, who may be extended special privileges because they too are talented, are seen as threats to Mother Superior.  She will stop at nothing to ensure that her child is the most privileged one in the studio.  On the surface, this may not seem like a problem.   After all, she is only jeopardizing her own child's training with her unrelenting demands and expectations.  Unfortunately, this is not the case.  Because Mother Superior is so vocal (often in a passive aggressive way), she can jeopardize other children's opportunities.

Let me give you an example...in our studio, we have a rule of thumb that children are not put on pointe until the age 11.   However, we have a child who is age 10, she is strong, has regular attendance and looks like she is 16.  I suspect that if the teacher were able to make decisions on candidates for pointe work solely based on an individual basis, that she would make an exception to her rule that students be 11.  However, because Mother Superior has a tendency to stir up trouble when she senses a slight to her child this 10 year old will have to wait as Mother Superior's child is a tiny 10.

Another common symptom of "Mother Superioritis" is offering unsolicited assessments of your child's abilities.  Mother Superior will not hesitate to "lovingly" put down your child and suggest that they are perhaps not strong enough to have the same privileges that her child has.  If she does extend a compliment, it is generally in tandem with her child.   Seeing your child succeed has been known to cause a massive flare-up of this terrible condition for which there is no inoculation.

Some friends of mine encountered the wrath of Mother Superior when it came to their young daughter who was accelerated  beyond the normal levels.  Mother Superior had a daughter who was 17 and was preparing for what Mother Superior hoped would be a professional career.  Unfortunately, while very talented at an early age, Mother Superior's daughter had suffered the wrath of Mother Nature and a plague of hormonal changes.  After puberty, the young woman was plump and had lost a lot of the facility she had once possessed.

Mother Superior's daughter had grown up landing the plum roles and it was a foregone conclusion that she would be Sugar Plum Fairy in the upcoming production of The Nutcracker.  However, this exceptional 14 year old arrived and blew away the Artistic Director.  She was not only technically gifted but she was also aesthetically more pleasing.  Additionally, as a thin 14 year old, it was much easier for the Cavalier to partner her than the older heavier young lady.  So, roles went up and Mother Superior saw the casting.  She EXPLODED and began a course of destruction that may have rivaled Sherman's March to the Sea.

Nobody was safe from her wrath, they were either forced to listen incessantly about THE betrayal or she was aggressively sabotaging the younger girl by spreading rumors about her and her family.  It was horrible.  It was sad and did some damage to the young 14 year old who found it difficult to comprehend how people could be so cruel.  Unfortunately, for the 14 year old, it took a while for the other mothers to realize what was going on.  Initially, they believed the stories and lies this woman fabricated.  But, as it normally does, the truth won out.

The challenge with Mother Superior is, she is a competitive person.  She sees everything as a race and that there can be only one winner.  She does not understand that there is enough room in the dance world for all talent.  She prods and pushes her own child, she will not hesitate to challenge the teacher on her child's placement and she forgets her place with administration and other parents.  She perches herself and her child above others and asserts that her child is the standard.  Perhaps, the biggest problem, because her child is talented, she is involved; and she is generally likable--so, she can get in the head of the most secure of mothers and plant ideas that spur jealousy, hurt and resentment.  The other mothers will then see favoritism where there is none and believe that the studio shares Mother Superior's opinions about who does and does not have "it." The reality is...the studio knows that many students can have "it" and that "it" can take a while to emerge.  They do not tell students or parents that their child is the next Tiler Peck, Gillian Murphy or Maria Koetchekova, but this mother will claim that they did.  It makes it hard for teachers to sing the praises of Mother Superior's child, because she will inevitably expect something in addition, a bigger role, a new level placement, private lessons, you name it...they are entitled.

The Studio World can be a jungle.  There is all sorts of wildlife out there.  The trick is to learn how to identify the various species of Ballet Mom, know if they are poisonous or not and navigate safely through to your destination.  It is a tricky thing to do, but it can be done.  If you listen closely, you can identify the call of each archetype, "The Boy Ballet Mom", "Mother Superior", "Mama Bear", "Miss Clueless", "The Social Climber", "The Ballet Dad","The Pleaser", "The Penny Pincher", "The Super Volunteer" "Everybody's Best Friend" "Mrs. Not Good Enough",  "Miss Money Bags" and the "Is This Over Yet?"  The truth is for most of us, a little bit of each archetype exists in us.  The challenging part is keeping these personalities calm and in check so that we are able to be a voice of reason for our children and teach them how to keep perspective as they navigate this tough world.

You Are So Lucky You Have A Boy!

Mothers of boys who dance know this statement all too well.  I wonder if they all feel the same pain.  Having a boy who chooses to dance ballet is no picnic in the park, yet most people I encounter assume that it is.  People often assume that if a boy can point his foot he will be taking the stages of The Met; that choirs of angels will sing, that the seas will part and the male dancer can have his pick of whatever he desires in the dance world.  I don't honestly think that people believe this when they pause for a moment to think, but yet to Moms of Boys, it seems like everybody thinks this way.

It is a hard road taken to be a boy who dances.  If you are straight, you must defend your sexuality, if you are gay, you are "outed" perhaps before you are ready.  People make assumptions about you based on your chosen passion.  We have friends that are often surprised that my son is a car junkie, and when he mentions his girlfriend, you often hear an audible sigh of relief.  My father, and father-in-law have never watched my son dance.  In fact, I have taken home Nutcracker videos and they will excuse themselves from the room (my daughter is in it as well).  It hurts.  I don't even think they realize that they are being rude and that they are sending a very harsh message to both my son and me, but they are.  Our "enlightened and cultured" friends say subtle things like, "Well, good for him for knowing who he is."  or the classic, "What do you call a male dancer, anyway?"  As mothers, we are supposed to politely take this and pretend that we don't understand the subtext.  Most of us do.

My son has been bullied by straight kids, and sexually harassed by gay kids.  He has often found himself apologizing that he prefers women and he works hard to embrace his friends who are gay.  It is a weird road.

That is just the tip of the iceberg for a male dancer and actually it is not the worst part.  What might surprise you is the pressure to succeed that is put on a male dancer.  Because it is so difficult to choose this path, few boys enter into training without having some kind of professional aspirations.  Parents who allow their children to dance often develop expectations that their sons will make it because the odds seem more favorable.  There may be some truth to that, but the reality is that it is not nearly as easy as most people would assume.

Whether you are male or female, there is competition at the elite levels.  There are a limited number of jobs and lots of talented individuals who want those jobs.  Acceptance into the nation's top training programs are not absolute and placement in a company is elusive for men as well as women.  But, if a woman fails to get a job, people understandingly brush it off because they understand it is a competitive world.  If a man fails to get a job, people sometimes look at him differently and think of him as a failure.

When boys are younger, it is hard for mothers to celebrate their son's accomplishments.  When a mom says, "Fred was just accepted into Royal Ballet School on a full scholarship!"  People politely say, "Congratulations!"  but they almost always follow it with a dismissive, "You are so lucky that you have a boy!"  As if Royal Ballet just gives scholarships to anybody, and that hard work and talent had nothing to do with it.   For the record, Royal Ballet is extremely competitive and they do not hand out scholarships to anybody.  I know of extremely talented young men that have not been accepted to Royal or School of American Ballet or ABTII or HBII or other similar programs.

Another reason that having a boy is not so easy, Boy Ballet Moms are Often Nut Jobs!!!! You hear about crazy diva, ballerina moms.  Wait until you meet a boy ballet mom.  Important note, not all boy moms are crazy, but when they are crazy, it is an entirely different level of insanity.  Crazy boy moms assume that the world rises and sets on their sons; because of their son, they often take a Queen Bee role in the studio.  They pontificate about how things should be done and they throw their weight around like an A-list movie star on the set.  The crazy boy mom rarely possesses humility about her son and will brag constantly about how incredible he is.  They become a pseudo manager for their child and  make everybody feel, studio directors included, as if the rest of the studio exists to serve them.  They expect their son's needs to trump all  others.  When they feel as if they are not getting their due, things can become ugly.  They pout, they play games, they threaten to walk before a big production, and they will sabotage those that they believe are a threat.  It is a sad phenomenon and I have seen it in a number of studios with a number of mothers.  Perhaps saddest of all, this entitlement trickles over to the son and he becomes a diva in the studio and often is socially isolated.  Furthermore, when he goes out into the dance world, he is surprised to find that the world does not revolve around him.

I believe this "craziness" arises for a few reasons here are three.  First, overzealous studio directors become excited when a boy comes through the door.  They become invested in a boy very quickly and may be a little generous with the flattery in order to encourage the family to keep the young man involved.  The Artistic Director will give him spotlight roles at an early age to keep boys interested and this enables the sense of entitlement.

Secondly, because most boys start dancing later in life (after 10 or 11), a boy who has gotten a head start (ages 4, 5, 6 or 7) will often see early on successes from external benchmarks that are disproportionate to their female counterparts.  This will lead to a parent thinking that their child is extremely talented and they may be, (but at the age the pool of talent is still limited).

Next, Boy Ballet Moms have to become protective of their babies from the onset.  As mothers, we all protect our children, but as I said in the beginning of this article, boys who choose to dance need a little extra help. People are often cruel and as moms we will often become fiercely defensive of them.  As our boys get older, this is a behavior that becomes hard to dismiss.  We continue to look out for them and when somebody hurts them we move in for the kill.  It's hard for us to compartmentalize.

I am proud of my son and I am glad that he dances and my heart soars when I see him point his feet  and move across the floor; but, I take nothing for granted.  I don't assume that because he is male that he is entitled to anything more than his female counterparts.  I expect that his successes will come from hard work and perhaps a little luck.  But, I bristle when people suggest that this road is "easy" for him because he is a male.  It is different, I will give you that, but it is not easy.  He hates it when strangers find out he dances, he says they treat him weird and he has to work extra hard to establish his personality free from stereotypes.  When he earns a scholarship or a major role, it is expected and dismissed.  When he meets another boy in a studio, he has to be cautious in his friendship, he has been burned by the crazy mom that is threatened by him and the entitled young man.  It's a lonely road and one that I did not choose for my son (because like my father, I thought that this is not what boys do) but I am so glad he took it.  My life is richer, my friendships are deeper and my relationship with my son is tighter than most; so,...I am lucky that I have a boy, but not in the way that people assume but because he has taught me so much about life and love.

How to Muse

I am just a mom of ballet dancers.  I am not a person in a position of any power or control.  Because, I have multiple children exploring this endeavor and they want to make a career out of this, I have spent a lot of time researching, reading and listening to those in the business--this includes other moms.

The observations that I make are not based on any superior knowledge and are my opinions alone.  They are not absolutes.  There are no absolutes in life as far as I can tell.  But, there is good common sense and that is what I like to think I have.  When I write in my blog do this or this is how something should be done, it is not intended to be offered as the final authority.  It is merely another opinion and another point of view.  I don't offer my opinions casually, they are based on research and observations that I have made.  But, at the end of the day, they are mine and mine alone.

I would encourage any parent that has a child who expresses interest in a given area, to become the most informed parent that they can on the subject.  That is what I try to do and that is the point of view and purpose of these Musings.   But, please do not follow my advice blindly, use it as a tool to stimulate questions and investigate matters on your own.  Speak to your child's teachers, speak to mothers/fathers of advanced dancers, read my blog, read ballet talk for dancers and speak to ballet companies if you are given the chance.  But, remember...everybody has an agenda and our agendas formulate our points-of-view.  So, take advice under advisement and use it to help draw your own conclusions about what is best.

I hope that you will find my advice to be honest, helpful and insightful, if you disagree, please share an alternate point-of-view.  We can all learn from open discussion (I moderate questions to prevent spam but I do not censor, well articulated informed dissent).  I sincerely hope we can have one.

Benchmarking for Dancers

I had the opportunity to sit down and chat with a friend of mine about life; and as usual the conversation spun around to ballet.  Having been former studio mates, we took a few moments to catch up on old friends and where various students are now. 

As we discussed some of the students we began to see a pattern emerging.  Some students,who at one time were bright and shining stars, were beginning to level off and others, "sleepers", were beginning to emerge.  Isn't it interesting how a child can seem like a superstar at age 12 and by age 15 or 16 things can change?  I might add this works in both directions.  But, I wondered what happened and could it be avoided.

My friend suggested that it might be a good idea if a family of a seriously committed student were to sit down at age 15 or so and have a conversation with the studio owner  about the child's potential.  Benchmarking as it is with the director of the stuido.  I, however, told her that this would not yield the results that were desired.  I doubt if any studio owner would tell a parent that a child should give up their professional aspirations.  First, from a bottom line perspective, who would want to drive away customers.  Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, teachers are also invested in their students and they believe that any child will benefit from dance education.  Why would a teacher want to tell a parent that the child has limited opportunities for dancing and run the risk of losing the relationship with the student? 

So...if you cannot trust the studio to level with you about your child's future, how do you get a realistic benchmark of your child's potential?  Additionally, what do you do with that benchmark if you have one?  For the record, benchmarking is something that can be done as early as age 8 and should definitely be done for the older dancer in order to formulate a training plan.  I would however caution, that benchmarking is only effective if you are comparing same to same.  You cannot compare a child who has been dancing one year to a child that has been dancing for seven or eight.  If your child is new to dance, just let them enjoy it and find their way.  For a 12 year old or greater that is getting a late start, I would not subject them to benchmarking until they have been dancing at a pre-professional level for a couple of years.

Does your child love dance?  Generally speaking kids love things that they excel in.  If your child is starting to avoid dance, it may be indicative that they are struggling in class.  This could be because they are not attending as often as the others, that they are struggling with a physical limitation, social issues or perhaps physical limitations.  If you notice that your child is wanting to avoid dance, start asking some probing questions.

If your child continues to be enthusiastic about their training, then it seems to me you might want to assess their potential relative to their age.  Keep in mind, this is potential only.  Where is your child in relationship to their same age and experience studio counterparts?  Are they in the same classes?  Are they higher or lower?  If they are in a lower level, is it because of an injury, a late start in dance, are they new to the training methodology or are they just not progressing?  If they are not progressing, I would encourage a meeting with the teacher/coach to develop a plan to get them on track. 

Important observation:  Do not assume that if your student is new to dance or new to a studio or method and they are placed in a lower level that means they have no potential.  This is why I advocate placement classes at an elementary level.  Level has little to do with potential but more to do with knowledge of the vocabulary.  Just remember...Albert Einstein was in first grade once and even idiots can graduate high school.  Grade has nothing to do with ability or potential only mastery of the concepts.  Similarly, do not assume that if you are in the highest level that you are ready for the stages of the Met, it means you have mastered the concepts in proceeding levels.

If your child is at the top of their peers when it comes to age/level/ability,  it is time to look to external benchmarking.  There are two diffferent options to achieve this goal.  One is infinitely less expensive than the other.  The first option is to enter them in a ballet competition.  This is expensive and time consuming but can be a positive experience for your emerging superstar and it can be an eye-opening experience for a potential diva.  If your student is truly an emerging star and your studio supports it, entering a competition may  allow them to get the extra challenge that a high achiever needs.  If your studio is not supportive, and by that I mean willing to invest the time for at least variations coaching, please do not enter a ballet competition.  If your child does not perform well, it does not necessarily mean that they aren't a talent.  It could be reflective of the studios overall training.  If it is a training deficit that you notice at the competition, you might want to observe what dancers perform well (notice I did not say win) and check into that studio.

The second option, and a much less expensive one, is auditioning for summer intensives.  What I am about to say, may be deeply offensive to some.  In the summer intensive world, there is a hierarchy of programs.  This does not mean that the programs that are "so-called" D-list are not good and that the world's strongest student wouldn't gain from attending.  It refers to the competitiveness of the program and their overall acceptance rate.  Truthfully, there are A-list programs that I wouldn't encourage my biggest enemy to send their child to and there are D-list programs that I would send my children to.  But, I am strictly talking for A List through D List for Benchmarking purposes and as an assessment of a programs overall competitiveness for placement and acceptance.

A List Programs 
School of American Ballet--Arguably, the most competitive program in the country in terms of admissions
San Francisco Ballet
Pacific Northwest Ballet
American Ballet Theater--New York
Kaatsbaan

B List Programs  (I would be thrilled to have my children train at any of these programs)
Washington Ballet
Miami City Ballet
Houston Ballet
Boston Ballet
Chautauqua

C List
Pittsburgh Ballet Theater
Bolshoi
Kirov
Gelsey Kirkland
Ballet West
Saratoga Summer Dance
ABT Orange County

D List
Joffrey
ABT Alabama, Austin, Detroit
The Rock
Harid

As I have already stated, some of the B, C and D List Schools and the ones that don't even make the list are excellent programs; and I would argue that your child may get MUCH better instruction going there than to ABT New York or SAB or some of the more prestigious programs.  Remember, this is a benchmarking discussion.

So, I would suggest if you are curious how your child ranks against his/her peers, take her to a couple of auditions out of each category.  The typical cost for an audition is $35 and you will have an answer within a week or two. 

Assessing the Results

1.  If your child is not accepted to any audition, you might want to worry.  If your child is passionate about this, and if your child has been dancing for a while, I would consider investigating new training for her.

 2.  If your child is accepted to only programs off of the D-List, be happy.  Celebrate with them and then consider your training, is she going every day she can?  Is she working her hardest?  Do you have time to close the gaps?

3.  If your child is accepted to the C-list,  they have some potential, and if there is time and they are getting good training, they may be able to make a career out of this.

4. If your child is accepted to all of the schools on the B-list, and maybe even gotten scholarships to the C or D-List.  Start to breathe a little easier.  Your efforts are probably not in vain.  Given time, hard work, commitment and great training, your child will probably find themselves dancing in smaller regional companies and if the fates are kind, maybe even something better.

5.  As for the A-listers.  Congratulations, your child has a lot of potential, they are one of hundreds of amazingly talented kids throughout the nation who are working hard to achieve their goals and they are well on track.  If they play their cards right and continue to work hard, they might have a chance to make it to the stages of New York.  But, they have to stay injury free and continue to get good training, and work hard.  Take nothing for granted.

6. For the Ultimate A-listers--the scholarship divas.  Breathe a huge sigh of relief, if they continue on the track they have been on, there is a good chance that this will pan out.  But, there are no guarantees and you must be vigilant, humble and focused on the path ahead.  Take nothing for granted and work hard.  There are thousands of kids striving to be in their shoes and they will catch up if your child decides to take some time off.   Stay healthy, eat right and be kind and know that just because they are on track today, things can change.  There are no guarantees.  By the way, this is a tough position to be in, because it is an easy one to fall from.  And that is a painful fall.  I would encourage the child and family that is in this postion to approach it with the utmost humility because things can and will most likely change.

Please be aware that there are hundreds of exceptions to these cases.  My child auditioned at age 11 and was not accepted into any program. At age 12, dk was accepted into D List programs; age 13, B list programs with scholarships to C programs;  and Age 14...A list programs with scholarships!!  If I would have based my decision on what to do with dk's future at age 13, we would have missed out on the elation that came our way at Age 14.  By the way, at Age 15, DK got into an amazing professional training program with scholarship.

Understand that benchmarking, in any enterprise is to be used as a tool for growth not to decide whether to stay or quit.  If you are using benchmarking to decide if you should force your child to give up on their dreams, I would caution against it.  There are too many other variables at play.  But, if you are using it to cautiously assess your child's training and prepare them for a realistic future in dance, while giving them the tools to become an "Ultimate A-Lister"--proceed.  I believe all children should have a Plan B and that is an education.  It just depends when you move onto Plan B, age 18 or Age 43 after a long fulfilling professional career or somewhere in between. 

Overall, a dance education is not an investment in the stock market that will promise you great returns.  It often feels like a big black hole that one throws their money in.  But, it is an investment in your child.  The life lessons that can be learned from dancing and working hard toward a goal are incalculable.  Exposure to the arts is more valuable than you can imagine (more on this later), and all children benefit from the discipline that one learns in dance.  Additionally, children who dance are less likely to experience childhood obesity and are less likely to become involved in peer pressure that seem to plague most adolescents.  But, it is not cheap and there are absolutely no guarantees that even the most promising of young dancer will fulfill their professional aspirations. So, try to live in the now and enjoy the ride but keep an eye on the road ahead.  If you see roadblocks, prepare for them, make decisions that will help your child.  Try not to be a stage mom, but empower them and support them, give them the tools they need to achieve their dreams--great coaching, pilates, and stretch classes come to mind.  Most importantly,  remember this is your child's dream (right?)  and the only way they will succeed is if you keep perspective and let them live it.

The Road Less Travelled

I grew up in a safe world, my life was planned out for me and I took the safe road generally speaking.  When it comes to my life, I am tremendously risk averse.  I hate taking risks.  I become anxious when I put myself out there and I fear that I will upset somebody because I have made a controversial decision.  I am a pleaser and while it may seem to be a safe road, it is a frustrating one.  My greatest joys are when I do step outside of the box and take a risk and it pays off.  But, my Mid-western upbringing always tells me to play it safe.

I don't know where this journey will end for my darlings.  I hope it takes them as far as they want it to; but, the one thing I tell them if that if this is what they want, I want them to go for it!  I never want them to look back with regret and wonder what if they would have tried this, or taken this class, or worked with this teacher, would their career be different?  I approach this like they are going for the Olympics.  I believe that my daughter is capable of being the next Mary Lou Retton and my sons can be Michael Phelps or Apollo Anton Ono.  I give them every chance that is within my power to help them achieve their goals.  I tell them to take chances and hold nothing back.  I want them to take the uncharted road because it intrigues them.  (To clarify,  I am not encouraging them to go walking by themselves through a dangerous back alley at 2 am.)

My non-ballet friends especially, think I am nuts.  Normal conversations go like this,

"What do they want to do after they graduate?"

I say, "Dance."

 "What's their backup plan because nobody makes it as a dancer?"

I think to myself, tell that to Baryshnikov, Hallberg, Kent, Kistler,  I respond with, "They will go to college."

"Well, don't you think they should go to a "normal" school then?  They need to get a Regents Diploma."

"No, they are going to sit for the equivalency exam and start junior college."

"You are letting them drop out?"

"No, I am having them complete the exam they need to prove that they have learned the lessons from high school; this way they can have the freedom they need to train for dance while at the same time continuing to work towards their college degree."

"But, they won't have a normal high school experience?  They won't finish high school!"

"To which I say, well, that is true, but they will have had the opportunity to study at an elite level in their desired career field and they will be 1-2 years ahead of their peers.  But, perhaps I should reconsider so they can go to the prom."

Needless to say, after this conversation, I don't seem to have a lot of non-ballet friends left.

You will possibly even disagree with my rationale; and I understand.  I also think that what works for one kid does not work for another.  But, I want my children to put it all on the table and try to get the best jobs they can.  I don't want stress from homework, peer pressure and uncooperative administrators keeping them from their dreams.  They do still pursue a rigorous academic curriculum through homeschooling.

I want my children to be creative and curious in whatever they do, and have the courage to pursue their dreams.  If they fail, at least they know that they gave it their all and it wasn't good enough.  They can move on with their life at the ripe old age of 19, 20, or 25 and go to college with some great life experiences behind them; or maybe, they will be the one in a million to hit a Grand Slam homerun and make it to the top of a great company, have a successful career and retire from dance, and live happily ever after.  I don't know what the future will hold for them, but I know if they choose to sit at home or take the road that everybody else does, they will never know what it feels like to achieve their goal.  That seems like a sad end to the story.

I hope when my kids look back at their careers, whatever they may be, they feel like they gave it their all and they have no regrets.   If that is the case, then I will have accomplished my mission.  Whatever they become, I will love them.   I want them to love themselves, too and I believe that starts with encouraging them to follow their dreams and not being afraid to take a chance.  Life is sweet when you have the courage to live it.  When you take the safe road you get where you going, but it's normally a pretty boring ride.  When you have the courage to take a little detour along the way, you often find something pretty remarkable waiting for you.  It is not always pleasant, but normally, it at least makes for a good story.

An interesting (at least to me) side note, the title of this blog refers to a line from a Robert Frost poem.  Many people erroneously believe (myself included) that the name of the poem was The Road Less Travelled.  It was actually named The Road Not Taken.  The Road Less Travelled later became the name for a popular psychology/self-help book written by M. Scott Peck. Who knows, maybe you'll win Jeopardy because of this little factoid.

Watching from the Wings

Life can be disappointing at times; or at least that has been my experience.  We all need to learn to suffer through adversity and disappointments.  In fact, I would argue that I learn much more from my failures and disappointments than from my successes.  For me, I try to believe that today's failures are laying the foundation for tomorrow's successes. 

It is because of this philosophy that I have a hard time relating to parents that want to coddle their children or allow them to walk away when things get tough.  As I have said before, I want to protect my children from as many of life's disappointments as I can; but, I would also hate for them to live a life where everything always worked out exactly as they wanted it.  I would imagine that in that scenario a child would be ill-prepared for their life in the "real"  adult world. 

I often meet parents who seem to have a polar opposite perspective from me on this matter and I really have a hard time relating.  I often see parents who jockey for their child's place in the studio so that their child doesn't have to experience hurt.  These parents constantly advocate for their child--some through generous donations to the school, some through bullying those that might be seen as a threat, others through "extreme kindness" (translation brown-nosing), some through alliance building and in some cases, being a constant voice of needs, demands, and complaints (the squeaky wheel).  I have seen these patterns of behavior at both pre-professional schools that my children have attended and it is my understanding from my friends throughout the country that these ballet mom archetypes (Future post topic) seem to be universal.  The one universal truth that I have noticed throughout all these behaviors is that it does NOTHING to advance their child.  What these moms do not grasp is that the child dances--NOT the mom.  So, regardless of how much money they donate, how kind they are, how squeaky, how popular or whatever...the student's talent remains up to Mother Nature, and the child.

With that being said, when it comes to casting a show with students, sometimes things other than talent lend itself to casting decisions.  For example, students may be cast because of height, ethnicity, personality, acting ability, gymnastic ability, sentimentality (SENIORS), family cohesion, because the child needs a challenge, class attendance, and a 1000 other reasons; but, in a serious studio, I have never heard of a child being cast for a bigger/better role because the parent bought the teacher a latte last Wednesday.   Bottom line...if you are in a good studio, your child's successes and failures are theirs and only theirs.  Let them learn this now, while they can come home to you and cry and you can help pick up the pieces.  Learning to accept the disappointment of being cast as a mini-mouse instead of a gingerbread should prepare a child for other future disappointments, like not getting into the "right" summer intensive, or what happens when you get into the wrong level at summer intensive, or you don't get into a company, or you don't get into the company you wanted, etc.

A teacher friend of mine told me about a student of hers a couple of years ago.  This child was accepted to a very prestigious summer intensive, the mother shared with her how this was such a great opportunity for this young lady who wanted to dance professionally; but, the coaches did not feel she was ready yet--neither technically nor emotionally.  They suggested that she wait one more year before sending her because there were things that they were working on in class.  They said that it would be better, in this case, to go a year later than go now and leave a bad memory.  The mother disagreed because she felt like her daughter had been accepted so that meant she was good enough and emotionally ready.  Well, the child arrived, made fast friends, took her placement class on Day 1 and everything was great.  Day 2, however, the child learned that she was placed in the lowest level of the program and she called her mom in hysterics.  The mother canceled the cruise that she planned to take with her husband, flew back to pick up her daughter and bring her home from the program.  By Day 3 of the 35 day program, the girl was gone and so was a LOT of money.

Every time I think of this story, I want to slap the mom and say, "What the heck were you thinking?"  The entire purpose of a summer intensive is to prepare a child for a professional career in dance.  By caving into her daughter's hysterics, the mom deprived her child of the opportunity to study ballet at one of the best programs in the country.  She deprived her of the opportunity to learn to deal with disappointment and she also kept her from having what would have been an amazing summer.  Don't even get me started on the money.

With the benefit of hindsight and since it is not my child, and I didn't have to hear her crying hysterically on the phone, I can say with the firmest of conviction...IF that had been my child, I would have insisted that.."You made a commitment to this program for the summer.  You could have the best learning opportunity of your life by learning how to deal with disappointment and  you should have to learn to make the best of unpleasant situations.  Everybody wants to be placed in the highest level and everybody is there to learn; but, if you come home now, they will never take you back into the program.  But, if you stay and work hard there is a chance you may not only get to come back next summer but that you may become an even better dancer."

In addition to that, "I sent you away not only to enhance your ballet training but because I believed that you were mature enough to manage things on your own.  One of the more unpleasant parts of life that we must face and learn to manage is dealing with disappointment; but, if I bring you home right now you will never learn how to work things out on your own, you will always assume that I will be there to "fix" your problems.  I have paid for you to be there for five weeks, I expect you to work hard and make the most of the next five weeks and I will look forward to picking you up next month and seeing how much you have grown.  Now, stop crying, suck it up and get to class."

Like I said, hindsight is 20/20 and I did not take the phone call, so it is impossible to know how I would have felt if that had been my daughter on the other end.  But, it seems clear to me now.  By the way, this child no longer dances, she quit when she was not cast as Clara for The Nutcracker.

As parents we work hard to see that our children are happy and provided for.  The challenge for many of us is to remember where we end and the child begins.  Most of us are so intertwined with our children's lives and activities that we think that we ought to be able to make sure our children are  never disappointed; that we are some sort of cloak that can protect them from all disappointments and heartbreaks.  But, the reality is we are not our children and we can survive disappointments because our parents gave us the wings to fly and then at some point pushed us out of the nest and let us do it on our own we must give our children the same opportunities if they are to succeed in life.

One of the side benefits of a dance education is that your child will be given the opportunity at an early age to learn about setting and achieving goals, as well as dealing with disappointments. All of these experiences happen while having their parents loving arms to wrap around them and console them when things don't go well.   I believe that everybody needs those disappointments to grow.  Missing out on the audition, or getting the understudy role or the lower level class should inspire an aspiring artist to work harder and prove the teacher or choreographer wrong.   Successes, on the other hand often bring complacency and arrogance.  If we do our job as parents, we use those disappointing moments as teaching opportunities to give our children the chance to grow and solve their own problems.  If we solve their problems for them, they learn nothing except that we will fix it for them.

I want my children to know that when they leave our home at 18  their life is largely determined by their own actions and decisions.  I will help them if I can, but they must make the calls.  If my daughter was hired by American Ballet Theatre and Kevin McKenzie left her in the corps and did not promote her to soloist, I am pretty sure he wouldn't take too kindly to me showing up at his office for a meeting to discuss why she wasn't promoted.  So, I think now seems as good a time as any to let her start to learn to work these things out on her own.  While she does that, I will as always, be waiting in the wings in case I can help.

Are you on-stage with your child, watching them from the audience, waiting in the wings, or sitting at Starbucks until the show is over?  While there is no manual, I think each position has its place depending on the child's age and situation, since there is no stage manager, I try to guess where I am supposed to be, sometimes I get it right and sometimes I miss the mark completely.  Do you know yours?

It's a Tough World, Buttercup!

Dance Training is not for the faint of heart.  Dancers grow from criticsim.  In fact, it is my experience that it is the rare dancer that is happy with laudatory praise.

When I tell my kids that they did great, they rarely accept it.  While they will be gracious to the family friend or casual observer, to my dismay they ask for deeper thought.  They generally ask me tough questions that call into play not only their technique but their artistry and expression.    I personally don't like to wear the critic's hat, I prefer the role of adoring fan.  But, I understand the need for criticism for growth.  As I type this, I long to hear responses from my reader(s); so, that I know if I am achieving my objectives of not only informing and entertaining but also, providing a much needed discourse on the many complexities of navigating a dance education.  Artists live for criticism.

For the child who suffers from self-esteem issues, this can be a real minefield for a teacher.  A common teaching practice in a dance class is peer evaluation.  In this exercise, students are asked to perform an exercise--it may be an element or a combination--and then peers are called upon to assess what they liked about it.  The goal is to challenge students to learn to understand what makes a dancer stand out and help them to develop a clear visual association to enhance their own style and expression.

For some students though, this exploits their vulnerabilities and insecurities and can in some instances be devastating.  To them, I reluctantly say, "It's a tough world, Buttercup!  Suck it up!"  If you choose to dance, you have to learn to deal with rejection.  It is a rare dancer, that is never rejected or criticized.  People will complain about your body, your expression, your artistry, the way that your thumb lays on your right hand in port-de-bras, they will call you out for your makeup and a myriad of other things.  Some will be fair, some will be stylistic preferences, and some will be downright mean.  But, criticism is an absolute that all dancers face.  For those of you that are uncomfortable with peers making these judgments, your reluctance is understandable, but know that all kids are vulnerable in this exercise and each child hears their criticism loudly and takes it to heart.  Teach them not to take it personally but to use it as an impetus to grow and observe as an artist.

I can assure you that very few dance teachers choose this as a path to riches.  When you consider their working conditions--part-time status, evening and weekend hours, no health insurance, no retirement plan, etc, they are EXTREMELY underpaid; so, most of them get into it because of a legitmate passion for their art and sharing their art with new generations of students.  They have a vested interest in growing not destroying young dancers.  Most of the teachers I know LOVE their students and have a tremendous passion for each one and seek to nurture their spirits in more profound ways than you might expect or imagine.

Please remember this, the next time your child comes home complaining of how mean their teacher is or using what you find to be a questionable teaching methodology, remember this fact.  There is nothing more precious to me than my child and when somebody deliberately hurts them there is nothing that motivates me more to turn into a Mama Bear and protect her cub.  But, make sure that Mama Bear is attacking the vicious woodsman and not just another Mama Bear who thought she might just be teaching your cub how to take care of  himself.

Act 2...Choosing a Studio

As I said in my last post, this is a topic that I feel very strongly about.  It really upsets me to see parents not exercise the same level of care in choosing a dance educator for their child (any extracurricular falls into this in my opinion) that they would exercise in selecting a mechanic for their car or plumber for their home.  With that in mind, I don't think that parents are uncaring as much as uneducated about the difference.  At least, I was initially.

1.  Staying in a studio too long.  In any educational process, students need change and the type of school they need will evolve over time.  What may be the most suitable school in the early years of a child's dance training, will most likely not be a fit in five years.  There are exceptions to these rules, and it is important that we as parents are doing a reality check with our children to make sure that their needs are being met. Ask the question--is your child still being challenged?  Does the school's alunmi achievements align with your child's goals?  Is your child the best in the school--not a good thing? Does your child feel like they have to work harder to achieve their goals in that school or is it "okay" to skip a class here and there--APATHY ALERT.

I always tell my kids that my job is to help them get where they want to go, while keeping as many options open to them as long as I can.  As we age, opportunities close off to us--for example, a girl who is 14 that wants to start Gymnastics has missed her chance to be an Olympic Gymnast.  But, she may be able to learn tumbling and make the cheerleading squad. Our challenge as parents is to help them understand the realities before them and find the best way to achieve their dream whatever it may be.

2.  Engage your child in discussions about their dance dreams.  Does your child long to be on Dancing With the Stars, So You Think You Can Dance, dance on a cruise ship, or take the stage at The Met, maybe they want to just make the dance team at school, perform in a school play, or go to medical school?  Expose them to all the different opportunities in dance and life and see what piques their interest.  Once you know their goals, do your best to get them the training that will help them achieve that objective but not prevent them from achieving a different kind of dance dream if they change their mind.

3.  Develop a training plan.  I know it sounds over-the-top, but it's necessary and it's an essential tool in evaluating your current studio.  Aspiring dancers train at the same level as elite level athletes.  Elite level athletes have training plans for achieving their goals.  I would encourage you to work with your child, and his/her coach to come up with one.  If the coach is not available, see if there is a mentor that you can work with to come up with a plan.  An older/former student who has achieved the goal that your child is pursuing.  I will write more later on what a training plan should look like.

4.  Safety.  From time to time, dancers get injured.  Unfortunately, this happens.  But, look at the school's overall injury rate.  If there are a lot of injuries occurring in class proportionately speaking, it could indicate, training deficits. Perhaps the flooring is improper, maybe children are not shown the proper muscles to engage when working at the barre, in some cases, students may be asked to execute technique without the proper physical development.  All of these should be of paramount importance to a parent.  Professional dancing aspirations aside, our knees, hips, ankles, and backs need to last us a lifetime.  Don't let somebody expose your child to unnecessary injury.  Don't be afraid to ask about injuries and injury prevention.  If the studio is completely lost with that question, that would suggest that it is a topic they do not actively consider.  They definitely should.

5.  Teaching Methods and Styles.  What are the teaching styles at the studio and perhaps more importantly do they mesh with your child's learning style?  Are the teachers nurturing, loving, disciplined, structured, sticklers for details, aloof, negative, do they lavish praise or do they give it like a special dessert served with a celebratory meal.  All of these methods work.  Some, in my opinion, are more effective than others.  Some work better with young ones, other methods work better with teenagers.  What works best with your child?  Does the teacher seem to have that capacity within his personality?


There is a lot more to choosing a dance studio.  As I mentioned in my last post, choosing a studio is a deeply personal process and there are lots of elements to consider.  I will continue to share them, but in the meantime, take some time and ask yourself how your studio measures up to these criteria.  If they fall short, you may want to consider looking around and it may just be the justification as to why your child has been unhappy with their training.  On the other hand, if most of these needs are met, you might still be unhappy...if that's the case, try to articulate what is missing.  Can you find it in your current studio?  Or, is it time to shop around?

Choosing a New Studio

I have been wanting to talk about something that really concerns me and that's the decision-making process involved in selecting a studio.  For each family, it is a deeply personal decision and one that should be made when you consider a wide variety of concerns such as finances, location, styles of dance offered, teaching methods, their objectives and your goals and how the two align, and the all important student--teacher compatibility lastly, and no small matter for the parent, Customer Service.  I can probably write twenty pages on selection criteria, because I have very strong opinions on it, but here are some things for starters.

1.  Level Placement If you go to a new studio and they offer to put your child in the top level, does that mean that they are that great of a dancer or that their training/growth there will be limited?  I would prefer to send my child to a school where there is at least one level above theirs.  I have always felt like that means there is room for my child to grow--but, I often find that I am unique in this point of view.  I have never understood this mentality, although I am sure there are compelling arguments in support of it.  Maybe somebody can enlighten me?

2.  Placement Class  Along those lines,  I often see parents that come into our studio for placement for their child and misguidedly argue when the school tries to put them in a lower level for placement class.  The school's contention is that it is always easier to move an "underplaced" student up to the next level, but few students want to come back if they have been placed in a level that is too high for them.

Typically, a placement class is challenging enough regardless of the level.  A student is normally struggling just to understand the teacher's nuances, the music is different, the room is different, EVERYTHING is different.  When the class is too difficult, the experience is humiliating, demoralizing and embarrassing and in some instances, it can be dangerous.  Truthfully, well-intentioned parents who argue for a "more challenging" placement have actually done their child a tremendous disservice.  I have never seen a child come back after a bad placement class.

Our school has been burned enough times by braggadocios parents that they have implemented a new policy for their Conservatory placements---if the student is on pointe for a year or more, they go to Class B, if they are not, they go to Class A--NO EXCEPTIONS.  It is simple.  So far, it seems to work; although I often hear parents saying "But, she is in Level 53 at Bobbi Jean's Twinkly Stars Dance School".  Please Listen up... Until you are a professional dancer in a company, level numbers/grades are meaningless outside of your current studio.   There is no national certification that all studios go through in this country to verify the consistency of levels.  There are some syllabi out there that do have exams; and if a student is moving to a studio that follows that syllabus, then levels will be pretty accurate.  But, if there has not been an independent examination, I would be very reluctant to put a lot of credence in a studio's leveling system.

3.  When you are shopping for a new studio.  Learn to read the bio's of the teachers/directors.  Most schools can make their teachers sound pretty amazing; but, as a consumer you need to learn to decode the biographies just like you would an ingredient label for a child with a food sensitivity.   Trust me, children are allergic to bad training and sadly there is a lot out there.   Here are some tips I have learned and buzzwords to assess:
    a.  "Piper has studied with Bob Fosse, Mikhail Baryshnikov, Ben Vereen, Fred Astaire and Debbie Reynolds"


Translation: Piper took a class at Steps on Broadway or a dance convention or similar venue and this person was in the room taking class or taught the class to 300 other students.  In some cases they may have bought videos and watched the individual.  It does not normally mean that this dance legend trained them in the normal teacher/pupil sustained relationship.


What I want to see is something like this:  Piper attended XYZ school from 1975-1983 under the direction of Bob the Builder, and while she was there, she was blessed to have among her regular instructors ballet greats Margot Fonteyn and Rudolf Nureyev as her teachers/mentors.  Through their loving instruction she was inspired to become a teacher herself upon retirement from "The Greatest Ballet Company in the World".

The second one cites where Piper trained and who her coaches were while she was there as well as offers dates--vanity aside, after all.  This biography offers you a way to verify her training as well as establishes a sustained relationship between teacher/coach and student.  Please note, Fonteyn and Nureyev were not known for teaching, and unfortunately, they are dead. They are given only as examples.

 b.  Next, what does it say about the teacher's professional experience?  Not necessarily all good teachers danced professionally, nor do all professional dancers make great teachers, but read the biography for red flags that overstate their professional career.  Example:  "Mary has performed leading roles in such ballets as "The Nutcracker" "Apollo" "Swan Lake" and "Ballet You've Never Heard Of But I Will Throw It Out So You Think I Am Amazing".  Her repertoire includes Aurora, Sugarplum Fairy, Giselle, and "another role I have always wanted to do." 

 Translation:  I danced these roles in my student company when I was 12 and everybody thought I was the next Maria Tallchief.


What I like to see is:  During her 15 year professional career with "A Nationally Known Professional Company"  Mary danced principal roles in such ballets as "Giselle" "Don Quixote" "Swan Lake" and "Nutcracker".  "The world's best choreographer" set the role of "Somebody" on her for his ballet "Really Important Piece".

I would love a teacher whose resume says.  "Jane trained for 10 years under Edna Jean's School of Ballet.  While there she recognized her love of teaching and entered the school's teacher training program and taught pre-ballet and creative movement.  After graduation, she performed in the corps of Small Town Ballet and worked in such productions as Giselle, Nutcracker, Swan Lake and Sleeping Beauty, while attending college at University of Well-Known Dance School.  Upon graduation, she began teaching at Reputable Ballet School in the children's division.  She has been honored to train students who have gone on to dance professionally for such major companies as Big City Company A, Middle City Company B, and Well-Known Contemporary Company C."    While not a blue ribbon resume of training it is clear that this teacher probably knows dance and has trained students that have gone on to dance.

Remember:  These are resumes for the Hiring Process.  You are hiring these individuals to teach your child.  If you were hiring them to work for you in a business, you would want to make sure that they had the proper experience to do so--you would verify their education, their previous employment and their experience while employed.    Don't assume that your studio has done their due diligence--often times, they are just looking for a person with a smile and a pulse that will teach 30  eight-year olds for $25/hour.  Take the time to understand whether these individuals are dance professionals with solid credentials or something other than that.  What I look for as a parent is honesty, not an attempt to inflate an instructors qualifications.  After I read the resume, I like to have a five minute conversation with the teacher after a placement class.  This combined with my child's input from class is the interview.   I ask the teacher questions about what he/she sees and I listen not so much for their answers but their conviction.  While my child is taking class, I watch the other classes and the older dancers.  Do I like the discipline, do I see a progression of levels?  Do the dancers appear to be well-trained?

Do not settle for less than the best that you can find.  Truthfully, in our area, the difference between the most expensive studio in the area's rate for one class per week and the cheapest is $12/month or $3 per lesson.  Basically, that's one cup of coffee per week.  I think my child is worth it.  How about you?

3.  As far as tuition costs for more advanced students, a lot of studios do an unlimited pricing plan.  I am a firm believer in the old adage--"you get what you pay for" so look carefully at these and make sure that you are not seduced by the "bargain basement" mentality that so many of us love.  Also, make sure that you are aware of the "hidden fees"--recitals, costumes, competitions, performance group fees, and all of the other costs that come along with it.

A side note...Make sure that if your child is preparing for a recital,  that technique is not sacrificed at the expense of choreography.  It is very common that recital dances are practiced in the classroom.  This is fine in younger levels as long as it is a small percentage of time.  There is a tremendous benefit to learning choreography and polishing it for a performance.    However, if your family has made the decision to not participate in the recital for the "SHOW" your child may spend the next 6 months standing in the back practicing a dance for 45 minutes each class that he will never do.  When you think about it in those terms, the "bargain" doesn't look so good.

Here are some questions to ponder when it comes to unlimited tuition plans:

a.  How many hours of training per week are available for my child and with what instructors?  One studio in our area offers unlimited tuition of $350 per month.  On the surface that seems like a great deal (or at least I thought it was worth investigating).  But, what I found out is that if my child took every class that was available to her it would only be 12 hours per week, four of those hours were with instructors that I would prefer not work with my child.  Another area studio offers up to 26 hours per week (open classes are included) for $425 and has no student instructors (except as an occasional sub).  Make sure you are comparing apples to apples.

b.  I also want to point out that you want to make sure that the classes that are being offered make sense.  For example, an unlimited class schedule that includes stretch, krump, hip hop or Gaga for my kid would be a complete waste of time.  My child is GUMBY and nobody wants to see this aspiring ballerina do Krump--well, at least, I don't.

There is so much more I want to say about this subject.  I feel as if I am just getting going...so for now, I am just declaring an intermission....Please check back for Act 2.

Sometimes I Forget to Pee...

Tonight I was preparing dinner (this by itself may be a sign of the coming Apocalypse) and I was stricken by an incredible urge to pee.  I mean it was bad, I had to perform a pee pee dance that probably looked roughly like an epileptic seizure (I apologize to my epileptic friends).  After I finally made it to the porcelain throne it occurred to me that it was 8:55 pm and that was the first time that I had gone all day.   Which brings me to the point...

I lose myself and things that used to be priorities like preparing meals, doing laundry, cleaning house, exercise, manicures, haircuts and shaving my legs seem to have faded into absentia and are now luxuries that I can't seem to afford with my time.  I forget to take care of myself.  Exhibit A it is 1:01 in the morning and I am winding down by typing.  I have been doing laundry, preparing some items for Nutcracker and getting ready for tomorrow's first big competition.

I need to go to bed, but adrenaline seems to be coursing through my veins...(if only it was flowing at 5:30 am when the gym opens).  At this hour, I am surfing, "facebooking" and now blogging.  All of these activities seem to be in some make shape or form about ballet.  This really can't be the sign of a sane individual--but, if you saw me....you would swear I was normal.

This is a short one, hopefully it made you giggle (self deprecation is always good for a laugh), but it is time for me to go to bed, charge my battery for another amazing day at the barre.  If only that were truly a misspelled word.

With All Due Respect to the Bard...

To compete or not to compete that is the question...

Prix de Lausanne released its list of selectees on Tuesday.  A friend of mine was devastated that her daughter was not on the list--frankly, I am surprised too.  But, I also believe it is far from the end of the world as she feels at this moment.  By the way, I knew quite a few of the selectees which is pretty amazing.   Prix de Lausanne Selectees

There is an independent film out right now that is doing well on the festival circuit--First Position a Ballet Documentary.  It follows young dancers from around the world who are preparing for YAGP.  I haven't had the opportunity to see it yet, but know a few of the dancers who are in it.  I wonder if they show the insanity of the whole experience or if it is a focus on the hard work these kids do to get ready.  I have strong opinions and equally mixed emotions on the whole issue of competitions.  ALERT...Only read this if you are prepared for brutal honesty and understand that it is my opinion/my observations and my experiences that have brought me to these revelations.

So...Competing SUCKS!!!!!  It brings out the absolute worst in most parents.  I have seen parents lose it and beat their children because they failed to perform.  I have seen parents try to sabotage other kids or worse yet, have their children do so.   It brings out our greed, our pettiness, our snobbery, it exploits us where we are weakest (our passion for our own children) and calls upon us to feel like our love is proportionate to the amount that we are prepared to "invest" in our children.  As parents, we agonize over competitions, we feel like we are setting our children up for failure if we don't give them the opportunity to compete--after all their friends are competing and getting 2, 4, 6, however many privates per week.  We measure ourselves and our value as parents not by the love that we show our kids every day but by how well our kids do at competition.

Surely, if we don't allow them to compete, it will be our faults that they do not become prima ballerina absoluta with His Royal Highness'es Best Company that Ever Existed.  As parents we give our decisions a lot of power and credit, in some cases rightly so.  But, in this case I am not so sure.  When I read the biographies of the principal dancers for the nation and the world's top companies, I don't see a lot of them claiming competition prizes.  What I do see is them crediting their educations/their coaches.

As a parent, I have realized that the scholarships offered by these competitions are wonderful, but most students can get them for the cost of a summer intensive audition.  Last SI Audition season I took my oldest child to 4 auditions for major American Companies for a total expense of $100 plus gas money.   At each audition, he was accepted into the program; and in all but one,  he was offered a full tuition scholarship (two offered room and board as well).  And before you say, he is a boy that makes it easier, keep in mind that girls from our studio experienced a similar track record--no room and board, but scholarships were available.  From there, we selected the "best" school and sent him there--the result..an invitation to study in their year round program on scholarship.   As far as a job, this school has an extremely high success rate when it comes to placing their "graduates".  The cost for this placement was much less than the money that we spent on YAGP which, by the way, he also received scholarships through.  As far as the "Elite International Competitions" the cost for participation in these are, on the conservative side $10,000 to a more realistic $40,000.   If I were to consult my financial advisor, I am confident that he/she would steer me in the direction of the $25 Summer Intensive Audition.

Sometimes the placements at competitions make no sense and it's hard to explain that to a child.  Especially, when your coach doesn't get it as well.  I believe that politics are involved in a lot of competitions,  and that is hard to swallow when it comes to our kids.  Even when your child wins, they are subject to criticism and the inevitable (well, it's politics, or whatever argument/excuse can be made) and honestly, that may be the case--maybe politics works in my child's favor sometimes and against him at other times. I know for sure politics and the arts rarely make for good bedfellows.

So, with all of that being said...we are coming up on competition season and you will see my kiddos taking the stage.  Shocking, I know. Let me tell you why...

1.  My kids love it.  The reality is that they will most likely never be principal dancers (statistically speaking) with internationally renowned ballet companies, but through participation in YAGP, and other such competitions, they are given the opportunity to perform variations that are traditionally reserved for professional dancers and feel the accolades of the crowd.

2.  It is a growing experience.  Having chosen an artistic endeavor vs. a sports endeavor, my kids would not have learned the value of competition.   If they don't compete, they don't necessarily have the experience of working with a coach and taking ownership of their training, practicing and setting goals and then having an evaluation by an "impartial" panel of experts.  There is value to these experiences.

3.  I made the decision to get on the crazy train and it is hard to get off.  Do you remember The Jetsons?  I often feel like Geoge Jetson on the tread mill, screaming.."Jane, Get me off of this crazy thing!"  I didn't realize that was the case when we decided to participate in our first competition 3 years ago, but, once you go, you feel a strong compulsion to go back.  This is why professional athletes rarely heed the advice to "go out on top."  Maybe we all are like Kevin Bacon,  "Thank you, sir.  May I have another?" fraternity pledge in Animal House.  Apparently, a little hazing is good for the soul.

4.  There is value to learning that life isn't fair and sometimes no matter how hard you work there is somebody better than you.  Often, the student who competes is the best in their school.  A little reality check can be therapeutic and to see that other dancers are talented to may encourage a student to work harder, get better training, or study harder in school.  None of that is a bad thing.

5.  I enjoy watching my children perform.  This is my vanity speaking again.  I admit it.

6.  I love New York in Springtime.  Each year, I get to take my children to the Big Apple and spend a week watching ballet.  Not everybody's cup of tea I am sure, but, I like it!

7. I love meeting all of the aspiring professional dancers and their families throughout the world.

8.  It forces me to be accountable and proactive with my children's training.

In short, the decision to compete is not one that really makes sense to anybody.  Most of the parents I know whose kids do compete dislike the insanity; but, it is what it is.   For the kids though, it is for the most part fun.  It is challenging and it helps them grow.  But, for the child who doesn't compete or make it to that all important competition, I would encourage the parent to keep perspective and realize that competitions are not companies; and many of the nations top companies don't approve of competitions.  They see it as a distraction that takes away from the beauty and emphasizes tricks/showboating over art, musicality and grace.  Competing by no means guarantees a professional career and not competing does not exclude one.  There are, in fact,  "many roads to Rome."  The trick is to choose which lane has the smoothest ride for your vehicle.

Even the Sanest Loses Perspective...

I don't know what it is about dance that makes parents lose perspective; but, I see it happen on all levels, "Stage Mom/Daditis" seems to be indiscriminate in who it afflicts.  It doesn't care if the parents are socialites, executives or working class--none of us seem to be immune.

For me, I try to remember that and talk myself off the ledge before I do something I regret.  Trust me, it's a daily struggle.  Like most parents, I wonder that my child has fallen out of favor with the instructor when the instructor pays more attention to another, I worry when I see her chatting in class or heaven forbid having any form of fun.  Most of the time, I keep it in check.  But, we all have those days...and those are the days that haunt me.

My Momma Rose moments always come when I do the following:

1.  Listen to other parents about their own children's accomplishments and compare my kid's to theirs.  This just taunts the green-eyed monster that lives inside.

2.  Watch a rehearsal or class.  No good can come from this.  It seems like I always wind up questioning the teacher/artistic director's decisions when it comes to my kids.  Why are they 3rd in line?  Why are they not catching onto the choreography?  Why does he let that goofy kid have the role, when my princess can do it so much better?  It's an ugly/petty world that seems to build inside my head.

3.  Failure to live in the now.  This is a difficult one.  It is important, that we are proactive with our child's dance education, but, when we spend too much time obsessing about the future and what steps they need to do to become the next Natalia Osipova/Gillian Murphy/Sterling Hyltin (insert your favorite dancer here),  we become anxious.   A ballet career is a marathon, so expecting miracles in a 90 minute class or even in a month is unrealistic. 

4.  Spend too much time thinking about the time or money I spend on my children's dancing.  The first of the month is always a reality check when we pay bills.  In that week, if my kiddo is feeling unmotivated, or complains, I find myself thinking that it is a good time to pack up our toys and go home and have a "normal life".

If you were to meet me, you would most likely see me as fairly pulled-together, patient, loving mother, but trust me there is crazy down there.  When it comes to our kids, there is crazy in all of us.  Most of us just try to keep it inside, when it gets out, we regret it.  For myself, I have established the 24 hour rule before I complain to anybody else.  It seems to keep me in check.  What's your rule for keeping it together?