My daughter has started to go through pointe shoes more often, and that means that I now try to keep two pair in her bag (new pair and an old pair). This means I spend a lot more time and money in the dance store. One day, I was talking to a young girl (age 13 or 14) in the dance store about dancing. After we had made the usual ballet small talk about where she trained and her favorite type of dancing (ballet), I asked her if she had a particular company in mind where she wanted to dance. She looked at me quizzically, and said, "I just wanna dance?"
That's it, isn't it? The reality is that a dancer doesn't care about the company or its location. They just "wanna dance." Don't misunderstand, they want to be compensated and they want to work in a community that supports the arts. But, given the choice between dancing or not they will take dancing any day.
I think it is parents with our real-world concerns that tend to worry about whether they wind up on the stages in Europe, at Lincoln Center, or working in Small-Town North Dakota. In reality, these concerns are kind of silly. For most kids, they will have a professional career that ends in their mid-twenties. If it means that they only make $300 a week is that really so bad? Presumably, they don't have a family to support; and if they are with a smaller company that pays less, they have time to go to college or get a part-time job or both. So, if they don't make six-figures with profit sharing and pension, is it a big deal if they are happy?
I understand parents that would object to this as a profession if that means that the parents have to support their child. But, if their child is living independently and this is their passion, then any amount of money they are paid seems like it ought to be worthwhile.
I spend far too much time worrying about my children's career and planning it out. The truth is my kids are thrilled with the journey. They celebrate their milestones and improvements every day. They love every moment that they get with their teachers, they love the time spent with their friends in the studios and they love being able to apply corrections and improve in small increments every day. They don't care what they are doing in three, five, or fifteen years. They are happy in the now. I could learn a lot from them.
In the end, there are so many things that are outside of my control, that all of my worry and concern is absurd. All it does is aggravate my kids, my husband and create a lot of anxiety in me. Anxiety that is often manifested as CRAZY BALLET MOM my unfortunate alter ego; who behaves badly because of pettiness and jealousy.
If this is a journey, I should it treat it as such, here are my new rules for survival:
1. Figure out the destination. Do my children want to dance professionally? Is this their extra-curricular until college? Are they just trying it out to see if they like it? I haven't asked them recently.
2. Set some benchmarks along the way, must sees and must dos. What are the things that they want to get out of their dance education? Ask them the question, if they had to give up dancing tomorrow, next year or in five years what are the things that they would regret not doing. Put those on their dance "bucket list."
3. Plan the day's journey. Figure out what you need to do this year to give them the best chance to achieve their destination. Set those goals and let them work to achieve them.
4. Assess tomorrow's route at the end of today. Don't worry about what happens next year. If you have done step 3 then step 4 will take care of itself. Going too far in the future just confuses the present and keeps everybody from enjoying the journey.
5. Enjoy the journey. Celebrate the journey. Enjoy the little milestones, the new roles in Nutcracker, going on pointe, getting to go to a summer intensive. All of these are significant milestones in a dancers career, celebrate them!
Sometimes it takes another person to give you perspective and cause you to pause and reassess how you do things. These are blessings in life. I welcome those opportunities as they teach me a great deal. Who would have thought a chance conversation with a little girl in a dance store, could teach me so much? Perhaps the moral of the story is "Listen to wisdom, you never know where it might be." or for those of you who didn't need that reminder..."Always buy a spare pair of pointe shoes when you get down to one pair."
Showing posts with label Once Upon a Time.... Show all posts
Showing posts with label Once Upon a Time.... Show all posts
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Meet Mother Superior
As I mentioned before, I am convinced that there are ballet mom archetypes. In my last posting, You Are So Lucky You Have a Boy. I mentioned the Boy Ballet Mom. Today, I wanted to introduce Mother Superior.
You can identify Mother Superior in her environment by her smug attitude concerning her child. It is a given (in her mind) that her child will be the star of the level. Mother Superior believes that her darling should have the best roles, the bulk of the teacher's attention, and that the traditional rules concerning such things as pointe work and level placement simply do not apply for the child of Mother Superior.
Other talented children, who may be extended special privileges because they too are talented, are seen as threats to Mother Superior. She will stop at nothing to ensure that her child is the most privileged one in the studio. On the surface, this may not seem like a problem. After all, she is only jeopardizing her own child's training with her unrelenting demands and expectations. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Because Mother Superior is so vocal (often in a passive aggressive way), she can jeopardize other children's opportunities.
Let me give you an example...in our studio, we have a rule of thumb that children are not put on pointe until the age 11. However, we have a child who is age 10, she is strong, has regular attendance and looks like she is 16. I suspect that if the teacher were able to make decisions on candidates for pointe work solely based on an individual basis, that she would make an exception to her rule that students be 11. However, because Mother Superior has a tendency to stir up trouble when she senses a slight to her child this 10 year old will have to wait as Mother Superior's child is a tiny 10.
Another common symptom of "Mother Superioritis" is offering unsolicited assessments of your child's abilities. Mother Superior will not hesitate to "lovingly" put down your child and suggest that they are perhaps not strong enough to have the same privileges that her child has. If she does extend a compliment, it is generally in tandem with her child. Seeing your child succeed has been known to cause a massive flare-up of this terrible condition for which there is no inoculation.
Some friends of mine encountered the wrath of Mother Superior when it came to their young daughter who was accelerated beyond the normal levels. Mother Superior had a daughter who was 17 and was preparing for what Mother Superior hoped would be a professional career. Unfortunately, while very talented at an early age, Mother Superior's daughter had suffered the wrath of Mother Nature and a plague of hormonal changes. After puberty, the young woman was plump and had lost a lot of the facility she had once possessed.
Mother Superior's daughter had grown up landing the plum roles and it was a foregone conclusion that she would be Sugar Plum Fairy in the upcoming production of The Nutcracker. However, this exceptional 14 year old arrived and blew away the Artistic Director. She was not only technically gifted but she was also aesthetically more pleasing. Additionally, as a thin 14 year old, it was much easier for the Cavalier to partner her than the older heavier young lady. So, roles went up and Mother Superior saw the casting. She EXPLODED and began a course of destruction that may have rivaled Sherman's March to the Sea.
Nobody was safe from her wrath, they were either forced to listen incessantly about THE betrayal or she was aggressively sabotaging the younger girl by spreading rumors about her and her family. It was horrible. It was sad and did some damage to the young 14 year old who found it difficult to comprehend how people could be so cruel. Unfortunately, for the 14 year old, it took a while for the other mothers to realize what was going on. Initially, they believed the stories and lies this woman fabricated. But, as it normally does, the truth won out.
The challenge with Mother Superior is, she is a competitive person. She sees everything as a race and that there can be only one winner. She does not understand that there is enough room in the dance world for all talent. She prods and pushes her own child, she will not hesitate to challenge the teacher on her child's placement and she forgets her place with administration and other parents. She perches herself and her child above others and asserts that her child is the standard. Perhaps, the biggest problem, because her child is talented, she is involved; and she is generally likable--so, she can get in the head of the most secure of mothers and plant ideas that spur jealousy, hurt and resentment. The other mothers will then see favoritism where there is none and believe that the studio shares Mother Superior's opinions about who does and does not have "it." The reality is...the studio knows that many students can have "it" and that "it" can take a while to emerge. They do not tell students or parents that their child is the next Tiler Peck, Gillian Murphy or Maria Koetchekova, but this mother will claim that they did. It makes it hard for teachers to sing the praises of Mother Superior's child, because she will inevitably expect something in addition, a bigger role, a new level placement, private lessons, you name it...they are entitled.
The Studio World can be a jungle. There is all sorts of wildlife out there. The trick is to learn how to identify the various species of Ballet Mom, know if they are poisonous or not and navigate safely through to your destination. It is a tricky thing to do, but it can be done. If you listen closely, you can identify the call of each archetype, "The Boy Ballet Mom", "Mother Superior", "Mama Bear", "Miss Clueless", "The Social Climber", "The Ballet Dad","The Pleaser", "The Penny Pincher", "The Super Volunteer" "Everybody's Best Friend" "Mrs. Not Good Enough", "Miss Money Bags" and the "Is This Over Yet?" The truth is for most of us, a little bit of each archetype exists in us. The challenging part is keeping these personalities calm and in check so that we are able to be a voice of reason for our children and teach them how to keep perspective as they navigate this tough world.
You can identify Mother Superior in her environment by her smug attitude concerning her child. It is a given (in her mind) that her child will be the star of the level. Mother Superior believes that her darling should have the best roles, the bulk of the teacher's attention, and that the traditional rules concerning such things as pointe work and level placement simply do not apply for the child of Mother Superior.
Other talented children, who may be extended special privileges because they too are talented, are seen as threats to Mother Superior. She will stop at nothing to ensure that her child is the most privileged one in the studio. On the surface, this may not seem like a problem. After all, she is only jeopardizing her own child's training with her unrelenting demands and expectations. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Because Mother Superior is so vocal (often in a passive aggressive way), she can jeopardize other children's opportunities.
Let me give you an example...in our studio, we have a rule of thumb that children are not put on pointe until the age 11. However, we have a child who is age 10, she is strong, has regular attendance and looks like she is 16. I suspect that if the teacher were able to make decisions on candidates for pointe work solely based on an individual basis, that she would make an exception to her rule that students be 11. However, because Mother Superior has a tendency to stir up trouble when she senses a slight to her child this 10 year old will have to wait as Mother Superior's child is a tiny 10.
Another common symptom of "Mother Superioritis" is offering unsolicited assessments of your child's abilities. Mother Superior will not hesitate to "lovingly" put down your child and suggest that they are perhaps not strong enough to have the same privileges that her child has. If she does extend a compliment, it is generally in tandem with her child. Seeing your child succeed has been known to cause a massive flare-up of this terrible condition for which there is no inoculation.
Some friends of mine encountered the wrath of Mother Superior when it came to their young daughter who was accelerated beyond the normal levels. Mother Superior had a daughter who was 17 and was preparing for what Mother Superior hoped would be a professional career. Unfortunately, while very talented at an early age, Mother Superior's daughter had suffered the wrath of Mother Nature and a plague of hormonal changes. After puberty, the young woman was plump and had lost a lot of the facility she had once possessed.
Mother Superior's daughter had grown up landing the plum roles and it was a foregone conclusion that she would be Sugar Plum Fairy in the upcoming production of The Nutcracker. However, this exceptional 14 year old arrived and blew away the Artistic Director. She was not only technically gifted but she was also aesthetically more pleasing. Additionally, as a thin 14 year old, it was much easier for the Cavalier to partner her than the older heavier young lady. So, roles went up and Mother Superior saw the casting. She EXPLODED and began a course of destruction that may have rivaled Sherman's March to the Sea.
Nobody was safe from her wrath, they were either forced to listen incessantly about THE betrayal or she was aggressively sabotaging the younger girl by spreading rumors about her and her family. It was horrible. It was sad and did some damage to the young 14 year old who found it difficult to comprehend how people could be so cruel. Unfortunately, for the 14 year old, it took a while for the other mothers to realize what was going on. Initially, they believed the stories and lies this woman fabricated. But, as it normally does, the truth won out.
The challenge with Mother Superior is, she is a competitive person. She sees everything as a race and that there can be only one winner. She does not understand that there is enough room in the dance world for all talent. She prods and pushes her own child, she will not hesitate to challenge the teacher on her child's placement and she forgets her place with administration and other parents. She perches herself and her child above others and asserts that her child is the standard. Perhaps, the biggest problem, because her child is talented, she is involved; and she is generally likable--so, she can get in the head of the most secure of mothers and plant ideas that spur jealousy, hurt and resentment. The other mothers will then see favoritism where there is none and believe that the studio shares Mother Superior's opinions about who does and does not have "it." The reality is...the studio knows that many students can have "it" and that "it" can take a while to emerge. They do not tell students or parents that their child is the next Tiler Peck, Gillian Murphy or Maria Koetchekova, but this mother will claim that they did. It makes it hard for teachers to sing the praises of Mother Superior's child, because she will inevitably expect something in addition, a bigger role, a new level placement, private lessons, you name it...they are entitled.
The Studio World can be a jungle. There is all sorts of wildlife out there. The trick is to learn how to identify the various species of Ballet Mom, know if they are poisonous or not and navigate safely through to your destination. It is a tricky thing to do, but it can be done. If you listen closely, you can identify the call of each archetype, "The Boy Ballet Mom", "Mother Superior", "Mama Bear", "Miss Clueless", "The Social Climber", "The Ballet Dad","The Pleaser", "The Penny Pincher", "The Super Volunteer" "Everybody's Best Friend" "Mrs. Not Good Enough", "Miss Money Bags" and the "Is This Over Yet?" The truth is for most of us, a little bit of each archetype exists in us. The challenging part is keeping these personalities calm and in check so that we are able to be a voice of reason for our children and teach them how to keep perspective as they navigate this tough world.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
The Road Less Travelled
I grew up in a safe world, my life was planned out for me and I took the safe road generally speaking. When it comes to my life, I am tremendously risk averse. I hate taking risks. I become anxious when I put myself out there and I fear that I will upset somebody because I have made a controversial decision. I am a pleaser and while it may seem to be a safe road, it is a frustrating one. My greatest joys are when I do step outside of the box and take a risk and it pays off. But, my Mid-western upbringing always tells me to play it safe.
I don't know where this journey will end for my darlings. I hope it takes them as far as they want it to; but, the one thing I tell them if that if this is what they want, I want them to go for it! I never want them to look back with regret and wonder what if they would have tried this, or taken this class, or worked with this teacher, would their career be different? I approach this like they are going for the Olympics. I believe that my daughter is capable of being the next Mary Lou Retton and my sons can be Michael Phelps or Apollo Anton Ono. I give them every chance that is within my power to help them achieve their goals. I tell them to take chances and hold nothing back. I want them to take the uncharted road because it intrigues them. (To clarify, I am not encouraging them to go walking by themselves through a dangerous back alley at 2 am.)
My non-ballet friends especially, think I am nuts. Normal conversations go like this,
"What do they want to do after they graduate?"
I say, "Dance."
"What's their backup plan because nobody makes it as a dancer?"
I think to myself, tell that to Baryshnikov, Hallberg, Kent, Kistler, I respond with, "They will go to college."
"Well, don't you think they should go to a "normal" school then? They need to get a Regents Diploma."
"No, they are going to sit for the equivalency exam and start junior college."
"You are letting them drop out?"
"No, I am having them complete the exam they need to prove that they have learned the lessons from high school; this way they can have the freedom they need to train for dance while at the same time continuing to work towards their college degree."
"But, they won't have a normal high school experience? They won't finish high school!"
"To which I say, well, that is true, but they will have had the opportunity to study at an elite level in their desired career field and they will be 1-2 years ahead of their peers. But, perhaps I should reconsider so they can go to the prom."
Needless to say, after this conversation, I don't seem to have a lot of non-ballet friends left.
You will possibly even disagree with my rationale; and I understand. I also think that what works for one kid does not work for another. But, I want my children to put it all on the table and try to get the best jobs they can. I don't want stress from homework, peer pressure and uncooperative administrators keeping them from their dreams. They do still pursue a rigorous academic curriculum through homeschooling.
I want my children to be creative and curious in whatever they do, and have the courage to pursue their dreams. If they fail, at least they know that they gave it their all and it wasn't good enough. They can move on with their life at the ripe old age of 19, 20, or 25 and go to college with some great life experiences behind them; or maybe, they will be the one in a million to hit a Grand Slam homerun and make it to the top of a great company, have a successful career and retire from dance, and live happily ever after. I don't know what the future will hold for them, but I know if they choose to sit at home or take the road that everybody else does, they will never know what it feels like to achieve their goal. That seems like a sad end to the story.
I hope when my kids look back at their careers, whatever they may be, they feel like they gave it their all and they have no regrets. If that is the case, then I will have accomplished my mission. Whatever they become, I will love them. I want them to love themselves, too and I believe that starts with encouraging them to follow their dreams and not being afraid to take a chance. Life is sweet when you have the courage to live it. When you take the safe road you get where you going, but it's normally a pretty boring ride. When you have the courage to take a little detour along the way, you often find something pretty remarkable waiting for you. It is not always pleasant, but normally, it at least makes for a good story.
An interesting (at least to me) side note, the title of this blog refers to a line from a Robert Frost poem. Many people erroneously believe (myself included) that the name of the poem was The Road Less Travelled. It was actually named The Road Not Taken. The Road Less Travelled later became the name for a popular psychology/self-help book written by M. Scott Peck. Who knows, maybe you'll win Jeopardy because of this little factoid.
I don't know where this journey will end for my darlings. I hope it takes them as far as they want it to; but, the one thing I tell them if that if this is what they want, I want them to go for it! I never want them to look back with regret and wonder what if they would have tried this, or taken this class, or worked with this teacher, would their career be different? I approach this like they are going for the Olympics. I believe that my daughter is capable of being the next Mary Lou Retton and my sons can be Michael Phelps or Apollo Anton Ono. I give them every chance that is within my power to help them achieve their goals. I tell them to take chances and hold nothing back. I want them to take the uncharted road because it intrigues them. (To clarify, I am not encouraging them to go walking by themselves through a dangerous back alley at 2 am.)
My non-ballet friends especially, think I am nuts. Normal conversations go like this,
"What do they want to do after they graduate?"
I say, "Dance."
"What's their backup plan because nobody makes it as a dancer?"
I think to myself, tell that to Baryshnikov, Hallberg, Kent, Kistler, I respond with, "They will go to college."
"Well, don't you think they should go to a "normal" school then? They need to get a Regents Diploma."
"No, they are going to sit for the equivalency exam and start junior college."
"You are letting them drop out?"
"No, I am having them complete the exam they need to prove that they have learned the lessons from high school; this way they can have the freedom they need to train for dance while at the same time continuing to work towards their college degree."
"But, they won't have a normal high school experience? They won't finish high school!"
"To which I say, well, that is true, but they will have had the opportunity to study at an elite level in their desired career field and they will be 1-2 years ahead of their peers. But, perhaps I should reconsider so they can go to the prom."
Needless to say, after this conversation, I don't seem to have a lot of non-ballet friends left.
You will possibly even disagree with my rationale; and I understand. I also think that what works for one kid does not work for another. But, I want my children to put it all on the table and try to get the best jobs they can. I don't want stress from homework, peer pressure and uncooperative administrators keeping them from their dreams. They do still pursue a rigorous academic curriculum through homeschooling.
I want my children to be creative and curious in whatever they do, and have the courage to pursue their dreams. If they fail, at least they know that they gave it their all and it wasn't good enough. They can move on with their life at the ripe old age of 19, 20, or 25 and go to college with some great life experiences behind them; or maybe, they will be the one in a million to hit a Grand Slam homerun and make it to the top of a great company, have a successful career and retire from dance, and live happily ever after. I don't know what the future will hold for them, but I know if they choose to sit at home or take the road that everybody else does, they will never know what it feels like to achieve their goal. That seems like a sad end to the story.
I hope when my kids look back at their careers, whatever they may be, they feel like they gave it their all and they have no regrets. If that is the case, then I will have accomplished my mission. Whatever they become, I will love them. I want them to love themselves, too and I believe that starts with encouraging them to follow their dreams and not being afraid to take a chance. Life is sweet when you have the courage to live it. When you take the safe road you get where you going, but it's normally a pretty boring ride. When you have the courage to take a little detour along the way, you often find something pretty remarkable waiting for you. It is not always pleasant, but normally, it at least makes for a good story.
An interesting (at least to me) side note, the title of this blog refers to a line from a Robert Frost poem. Many people erroneously believe (myself included) that the name of the poem was The Road Less Travelled. It was actually named The Road Not Taken. The Road Less Travelled later became the name for a popular psychology/self-help book written by M. Scott Peck. Who knows, maybe you'll win Jeopardy because of this little factoid.
Watching from the Wings
Life can be disappointing at times; or at least that has been my experience. We all need to learn to suffer through adversity and disappointments. In fact, I would argue that I learn much more from my failures and disappointments than from my successes. For me, I try to believe that today's failures are laying the foundation for tomorrow's successes.
It is because of this philosophy that I have a hard time relating to parents that want to coddle their children or allow them to walk away when things get tough. As I have said before, I want to protect my children from as many of life's disappointments as I can; but, I would also hate for them to live a life where everything always worked out exactly as they wanted it. I would imagine that in that scenario a child would be ill-prepared for their life in the "real" adult world.
I often meet parents who seem to have a polar opposite perspective from me on this matter and I really have a hard time relating. I often see parents who jockey for their child's place in the studio so that their child doesn't have to experience hurt. These parents constantly advocate for their child--some through generous donations to the school, some through bullying those that might be seen as a threat, others through "extreme kindness" (translation brown-nosing), some through alliance building and in some cases, being a constant voice of needs, demands, and complaints (the squeaky wheel). I have seen these patterns of behavior at both pre-professional schools that my children have attended and it is my understanding from my friends throughout the country that these ballet mom archetypes (Future post topic) seem to be universal. The one universal truth that I have noticed throughout all these behaviors is that it does NOTHING to advance their child. What these moms do not grasp is that the child dances--NOT the mom. So, regardless of how much money they donate, how kind they are, how squeaky, how popular or whatever...the student's talent remains up to Mother Nature, and the child.
With that being said, when it comes to casting a show with students, sometimes things other than talent lend itself to casting decisions. For example, students may be cast because of height, ethnicity, personality, acting ability, gymnastic ability, sentimentality (SENIORS), family cohesion, because the child needs a challenge, class attendance, and a 1000 other reasons; but, in a serious studio, I have never heard of a child being cast for a bigger/better role because the parent bought the teacher a latte last Wednesday. Bottom line...if you are in a good studio, your child's successes and failures are theirs and only theirs. Let them learn this now, while they can come home to you and cry and you can help pick up the pieces. Learning to accept the disappointment of being cast as a mini-mouse instead of a gingerbread should prepare a child for other future disappointments, like not getting into the "right" summer intensive, or what happens when you get into the wrong level at summer intensive, or you don't get into a company, or you don't get into the company you wanted, etc.
A teacher friend of mine told me about a student of hers a couple of years ago. This child was accepted to a very prestigious summer intensive, the mother shared with her how this was such a great opportunity for this young lady who wanted to dance professionally; but, the coaches did not feel she was ready yet--neither technically nor emotionally. They suggested that she wait one more year before sending her because there were things that they were working on in class. They said that it would be better, in this case, to go a year later than go now and leave a bad memory. The mother disagreed because she felt like her daughter had been accepted so that meant she was good enough and emotionally ready. Well, the child arrived, made fast friends, took her placement class on Day 1 and everything was great. Day 2, however, the child learned that she was placed in the lowest level of the program and she called her mom in hysterics. The mother canceled the cruise that she planned to take with her husband, flew back to pick up her daughter and bring her home from the program. By Day 3 of the 35 day program, the girl was gone and so was a LOT of money.
Every time I think of this story, I want to slap the mom and say, "What the heck were you thinking?" The entire purpose of a summer intensive is to prepare a child for a professional career in dance. By caving into her daughter's hysterics, the mom deprived her child of the opportunity to study ballet at one of the best programs in the country. She deprived her of the opportunity to learn to deal with disappointment and she also kept her from having what would have been an amazing summer. Don't even get me started on the money.
With the benefit of hindsight and since it is not my child, and I didn't have to hear her crying hysterically on the phone, I can say with the firmest of conviction...IF that had been my child, I would have insisted that.."You made a commitment to this program for the summer. You could have the best learning opportunity of your life by learning how to deal with disappointment and you should have to learn to make the best of unpleasant situations. Everybody wants to be placed in the highest level and everybody is there to learn; but, if you come home now, they will never take you back into the program. But, if you stay and work hard there is a chance you may not only get to come back next summer but that you may become an even better dancer."
In addition to that, "I sent you away not only to enhance your ballet training but because I believed that you were mature enough to manage things on your own. One of the more unpleasant parts of life that we must face and learn to manage is dealing with disappointment; but, if I bring you home right now you will never learn how to work things out on your own, you will always assume that I will be there to "fix" your problems. I have paid for you to be there for five weeks, I expect you to work hard and make the most of the next five weeks and I will look forward to picking you up next month and seeing how much you have grown. Now, stop crying, suck it up and get to class."
Like I said, hindsight is 20/20 and I did not take the phone call, so it is impossible to know how I would have felt if that had been my daughter on the other end. But, it seems clear to me now. By the way, this child no longer dances, she quit when she was not cast as Clara for The Nutcracker.
As parents we work hard to see that our children are happy and provided for. The challenge for many of us is to remember where we end and the child begins. Most of us are so intertwined with our children's lives and activities that we think that we ought to be able to make sure our children are never disappointed; that we are some sort of cloak that can protect them from all disappointments and heartbreaks. But, the reality is we are not our children and we can survive disappointments because our parents gave us the wings to fly and then at some point pushed us out of the nest and let us do it on our own we must give our children the same opportunities if they are to succeed in life.
One of the side benefits of a dance education is that your child will be given the opportunity at an early age to learn about setting and achieving goals, as well as dealing with disappointments. All of these experiences happen while having their parents loving arms to wrap around them and console them when things don't go well. I believe that everybody needs those disappointments to grow. Missing out on the audition, or getting the understudy role or the lower level class should inspire an aspiring artist to work harder and prove the teacher or choreographer wrong. Successes, on the other hand often bring complacency and arrogance. If we do our job as parents, we use those disappointing moments as teaching opportunities to give our children the chance to grow and solve their own problems. If we solve their problems for them, they learn nothing except that we will fix it for them.
I want my children to know that when they leave our home at 18 their life is largely determined by their own actions and decisions. I will help them if I can, but they must make the calls. If my daughter was hired by American Ballet Theatre and Kevin McKenzie left her in the corps and did not promote her to soloist, I am pretty sure he wouldn't take too kindly to me showing up at his office for a meeting to discuss why she wasn't promoted. So, I think now seems as good a time as any to let her start to learn to work these things out on her own. While she does that, I will as always, be waiting in the wings in case I can help.
Are you on-stage with your child, watching them from the audience, waiting in the wings, or sitting at Starbucks until the show is over? While there is no manual, I think each position has its place depending on the child's age and situation, since there is no stage manager, I try to guess where I am supposed to be, sometimes I get it right and sometimes I miss the mark completely. Do you know yours?
With that being said, when it comes to casting a show with students, sometimes things other than talent lend itself to casting decisions. For example, students may be cast because of height, ethnicity, personality, acting ability, gymnastic ability, sentimentality (SENIORS), family cohesion, because the child needs a challenge, class attendance, and a 1000 other reasons; but, in a serious studio, I have never heard of a child being cast for a bigger/better role because the parent bought the teacher a latte last Wednesday. Bottom line...if you are in a good studio, your child's successes and failures are theirs and only theirs. Let them learn this now, while they can come home to you and cry and you can help pick up the pieces. Learning to accept the disappointment of being cast as a mini-mouse instead of a gingerbread should prepare a child for other future disappointments, like not getting into the "right" summer intensive, or what happens when you get into the wrong level at summer intensive, or you don't get into a company, or you don't get into the company you wanted, etc.
A teacher friend of mine told me about a student of hers a couple of years ago. This child was accepted to a very prestigious summer intensive, the mother shared with her how this was such a great opportunity for this young lady who wanted to dance professionally; but, the coaches did not feel she was ready yet--neither technically nor emotionally. They suggested that she wait one more year before sending her because there were things that they were working on in class. They said that it would be better, in this case, to go a year later than go now and leave a bad memory. The mother disagreed because she felt like her daughter had been accepted so that meant she was good enough and emotionally ready. Well, the child arrived, made fast friends, took her placement class on Day 1 and everything was great. Day 2, however, the child learned that she was placed in the lowest level of the program and she called her mom in hysterics. The mother canceled the cruise that she planned to take with her husband, flew back to pick up her daughter and bring her home from the program. By Day 3 of the 35 day program, the girl was gone and so was a LOT of money.
Every time I think of this story, I want to slap the mom and say, "What the heck were you thinking?" The entire purpose of a summer intensive is to prepare a child for a professional career in dance. By caving into her daughter's hysterics, the mom deprived her child of the opportunity to study ballet at one of the best programs in the country. She deprived her of the opportunity to learn to deal with disappointment and she also kept her from having what would have been an amazing summer. Don't even get me started on the money.
With the benefit of hindsight and since it is not my child, and I didn't have to hear her crying hysterically on the phone, I can say with the firmest of conviction...IF that had been my child, I would have insisted that.."You made a commitment to this program for the summer. You could have the best learning opportunity of your life by learning how to deal with disappointment and you should have to learn to make the best of unpleasant situations. Everybody wants to be placed in the highest level and everybody is there to learn; but, if you come home now, they will never take you back into the program. But, if you stay and work hard there is a chance you may not only get to come back next summer but that you may become an even better dancer."
In addition to that, "I sent you away not only to enhance your ballet training but because I believed that you were mature enough to manage things on your own. One of the more unpleasant parts of life that we must face and learn to manage is dealing with disappointment; but, if I bring you home right now you will never learn how to work things out on your own, you will always assume that I will be there to "fix" your problems. I have paid for you to be there for five weeks, I expect you to work hard and make the most of the next five weeks and I will look forward to picking you up next month and seeing how much you have grown. Now, stop crying, suck it up and get to class."
Like I said, hindsight is 20/20 and I did not take the phone call, so it is impossible to know how I would have felt if that had been my daughter on the other end. But, it seems clear to me now. By the way, this child no longer dances, she quit when she was not cast as Clara for The Nutcracker.
As parents we work hard to see that our children are happy and provided for. The challenge for many of us is to remember where we end and the child begins. Most of us are so intertwined with our children's lives and activities that we think that we ought to be able to make sure our children are never disappointed; that we are some sort of cloak that can protect them from all disappointments and heartbreaks. But, the reality is we are not our children and we can survive disappointments because our parents gave us the wings to fly and then at some point pushed us out of the nest and let us do it on our own we must give our children the same opportunities if they are to succeed in life.
One of the side benefits of a dance education is that your child will be given the opportunity at an early age to learn about setting and achieving goals, as well as dealing with disappointments. All of these experiences happen while having their parents loving arms to wrap around them and console them when things don't go well. I believe that everybody needs those disappointments to grow. Missing out on the audition, or getting the understudy role or the lower level class should inspire an aspiring artist to work harder and prove the teacher or choreographer wrong. Successes, on the other hand often bring complacency and arrogance. If we do our job as parents, we use those disappointing moments as teaching opportunities to give our children the chance to grow and solve their own problems. If we solve their problems for them, they learn nothing except that we will fix it for them.
I want my children to know that when they leave our home at 18 their life is largely determined by their own actions and decisions. I will help them if I can, but they must make the calls. If my daughter was hired by American Ballet Theatre and Kevin McKenzie left her in the corps and did not promote her to soloist, I am pretty sure he wouldn't take too kindly to me showing up at his office for a meeting to discuss why she wasn't promoted. So, I think now seems as good a time as any to let her start to learn to work these things out on her own. While she does that, I will as always, be waiting in the wings in case I can help.
Are you on-stage with your child, watching them from the audience, waiting in the wings, or sitting at Starbucks until the show is over? While there is no manual, I think each position has its place depending on the child's age and situation, since there is no stage manager, I try to guess where I am supposed to be, sometimes I get it right and sometimes I miss the mark completely. Do you know yours?
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
It's a Tough World, Buttercup!
Dance Training is not for the faint of heart. Dancers grow from criticsim. In fact, it is my experience that it is the rare dancer that is happy with laudatory praise.
When I tell my kids that they did great, they rarely accept it. While they will be gracious to the family friend or casual observer, to my dismay they ask for deeper thought. They generally ask me tough questions that call into play not only their technique but their artistry and expression. I personally don't like to wear the critic's hat, I prefer the role of adoring fan. But, I understand the need for criticism for growth. As I type this, I long to hear responses from my reader(s); so, that I know if I am achieving my objectives of not only informing and entertaining but also, providing a much needed discourse on the many complexities of navigating a dance education. Artists live for criticism.
For the child who suffers from self-esteem issues, this can be a real minefield for a teacher. A common teaching practice in a dance class is peer evaluation. In this exercise, students are asked to perform an exercise--it may be an element or a combination--and then peers are called upon to assess what they liked about it. The goal is to challenge students to learn to understand what makes a dancer stand out and help them to develop a clear visual association to enhance their own style and expression.
For some students though, this exploits their vulnerabilities and insecurities and can in some instances be devastating. To them, I reluctantly say, "It's a tough world, Buttercup! Suck it up!" If you choose to dance, you have to learn to deal with rejection. It is a rare dancer, that is never rejected or criticized. People will complain about your body, your expression, your artistry, the way that your thumb lays on your right hand in port-de-bras, they will call you out for your makeup and a myriad of other things. Some will be fair, some will be stylistic preferences, and some will be downright mean. But, criticism is an absolute that all dancers face. For those of you that are uncomfortable with peers making these judgments, your reluctance is understandable, but know that all kids are vulnerable in this exercise and each child hears their criticism loudly and takes it to heart. Teach them not to take it personally but to use it as an impetus to grow and observe as an artist.
I can assure you that very few dance teachers choose this as a path to riches. When you consider their working conditions--part-time status, evening and weekend hours, no health insurance, no retirement plan, etc, they are EXTREMELY underpaid; so, most of them get into it because of a legitmate passion for their art and sharing their art with new generations of students. They have a vested interest in growing not destroying young dancers. Most of the teachers I know LOVE their students and have a tremendous passion for each one and seek to nurture their spirits in more profound ways than you might expect or imagine.
Please remember this, the next time your child comes home complaining of how mean their teacher is or using what you find to be a questionable teaching methodology, remember this fact. There is nothing more precious to me than my child and when somebody deliberately hurts them there is nothing that motivates me more to turn into a Mama Bear and protect her cub. But, make sure that Mama Bear is attacking the vicious woodsman and not just another Mama Bear who thought she might just be teaching your cub how to take care of himself.
When I tell my kids that they did great, they rarely accept it. While they will be gracious to the family friend or casual observer, to my dismay they ask for deeper thought. They generally ask me tough questions that call into play not only their technique but their artistry and expression. I personally don't like to wear the critic's hat, I prefer the role of adoring fan. But, I understand the need for criticism for growth. As I type this, I long to hear responses from my reader(s); so, that I know if I am achieving my objectives of not only informing and entertaining but also, providing a much needed discourse on the many complexities of navigating a dance education. Artists live for criticism.
For the child who suffers from self-esteem issues, this can be a real minefield for a teacher. A common teaching practice in a dance class is peer evaluation. In this exercise, students are asked to perform an exercise--it may be an element or a combination--and then peers are called upon to assess what they liked about it. The goal is to challenge students to learn to understand what makes a dancer stand out and help them to develop a clear visual association to enhance their own style and expression.
For some students though, this exploits their vulnerabilities and insecurities and can in some instances be devastating. To them, I reluctantly say, "It's a tough world, Buttercup! Suck it up!" If you choose to dance, you have to learn to deal with rejection. It is a rare dancer, that is never rejected or criticized. People will complain about your body, your expression, your artistry, the way that your thumb lays on your right hand in port-de-bras, they will call you out for your makeup and a myriad of other things. Some will be fair, some will be stylistic preferences, and some will be downright mean. But, criticism is an absolute that all dancers face. For those of you that are uncomfortable with peers making these judgments, your reluctance is understandable, but know that all kids are vulnerable in this exercise and each child hears their criticism loudly and takes it to heart. Teach them not to take it personally but to use it as an impetus to grow and observe as an artist.
I can assure you that very few dance teachers choose this as a path to riches. When you consider their working conditions--part-time status, evening and weekend hours, no health insurance, no retirement plan, etc, they are EXTREMELY underpaid; so, most of them get into it because of a legitmate passion for their art and sharing their art with new generations of students. They have a vested interest in growing not destroying young dancers. Most of the teachers I know LOVE their students and have a tremendous passion for each one and seek to nurture their spirits in more profound ways than you might expect or imagine.
Please remember this, the next time your child comes home complaining of how mean their teacher is or using what you find to be a questionable teaching methodology, remember this fact. There is nothing more precious to me than my child and when somebody deliberately hurts them there is nothing that motivates me more to turn into a Mama Bear and protect her cub. But, make sure that Mama Bear is attacking the vicious woodsman and not just another Mama Bear who thought she might just be teaching your cub how to take care of himself.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Even the Sanest Loses Perspective...
I don't know what it is about dance that makes parents lose perspective; but, I see it happen on all levels, "Stage Mom/Daditis" seems to be indiscriminate in who it afflicts. It doesn't care if the parents are socialites, executives or working class--none of us seem to be immune.
For me, I try to remember that and talk myself off the ledge before I do something I regret. Trust me, it's a daily struggle. Like most parents, I wonder that my child has fallen out of favor with the instructor when the instructor pays more attention to another, I worry when I see her chatting in class or heaven forbid having any form of fun. Most of the time, I keep it in check. But, we all have those days...and those are the days that haunt me.
My Momma Rose moments always come when I do the following:
1. Listen to other parents about their own children's accomplishments and compare my kid's to theirs. This just taunts the green-eyed monster that lives inside.
2. Watch a rehearsal or class. No good can come from this. It seems like I always wind up questioning the teacher/artistic director's decisions when it comes to my kids. Why are they 3rd in line? Why are they not catching onto the choreography? Why does he let that goofy kid have the role, when my princess can do it so much better? It's an ugly/petty world that seems to build inside my head.
3. Failure to live in the now. This is a difficult one. It is important, that we are proactive with our child's dance education, but, when we spend too much time obsessing about the future and what steps they need to do to become the next Natalia Osipova/Gillian Murphy/Sterling Hyltin (insert your favorite dancer here), we become anxious. A ballet career is a marathon, so expecting miracles in a 90 minute class or even in a month is unrealistic.
4. Spend too much time thinking about the time or money I spend on my children's dancing. The first of the month is always a reality check when we pay bills. In that week, if my kiddo is feeling unmotivated, or complains, I find myself thinking that it is a good time to pack up our toys and go home and have a "normal life".
If you were to meet me, you would most likely see me as fairly pulled-together, patient, loving mother, but trust me there is crazy down there. When it comes to our kids, there is crazy in all of us. Most of us just try to keep it inside, when it gets out, we regret it. For myself, I have established the 24 hour rule before I complain to anybody else. It seems to keep me in check. What's your rule for keeping it together?
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